Kandahar, Afghanistan—Family members of Lieutenant Lee Williams, of the 2nd Infantry, are puzzled by today’s holiday greeting from abroad. Lee has never had homosexual tendencies, remains sexually attracted exclusively to females, yet he openly announced his gayness while wishing his family in Plattsburgh a Merry Christmas during a live video feed from Kandahar earlier today.
When asked why he made the erroneous announcement, Williams replied, “I guess I got caught up in the moment. It’s such a huge deal for the gay and lesbian community. I just wanted to feel more a part of what was happening.”
“It stunned us at first,” said his mother, Emma Williams of Plattsburgh. “Until I remembered the time he not only joined the Save the Whales movement, but became a whale himself for nearly eight months. He ordered a water bed and, during that time period, was content to sift through seven or eight buckets of krill each day for sustenance.”
Despite being raised in a conservative household, his father, Jacob, believes Lee suffers from liberal tendencies with regards to social issues.
“I’m going to sue that shrink for every penny,” said Jacob.
Lieutenant Williams also announced his future plans to show his solidarity with the shrinking polar ice caps by spending his post-military life nearly motionless along the Norwegian coastline, periodically sloughing off pieces of himself into the North Sea.