Washington, DC—Heroin addicts everywhere are protesting the Obama Administration’s decision to interrupt the flow of opium production across Afghanistan.
“Farmers everywhere should be able to grow whatever herbs, vegetables, or Oxycotton trees they see fit,” said Rush Limbaugh.
Chip “Chipper” Smith had this to say, “This will have unintended consequences for small businessmen across America. Soon I’ll have to pay for government run healthcare and there’s not an ER within fifty-miles that will even let me the fuck in. Talk about the audacity of dope!“
Several dozen people arrived outside the White House to protest the military’s focus on curtailing Afghani opium production. Most of their signs were not upright, however, and the group seemed rather lethargic.
One unidentified man holding a sign reading ‘Vicodin for Victory’ had this to say, “I think there should be…………………I think there. They better not stop the opium production because…” Upon waking, the man added, “I don’t think there should be…….”
The non-violent, some seemingly non-breathing, protestors plan to assemble again at this same spot tomorrow, right after the methadone clinic closes but before the pubs open—a time known to local heroin addicts as the Tweaklight Zone.