Send Brewer, Guns, and Money

Mick Zano

Arizona’s Governor Janet Brewer is brilliant! I will never call her democratically challenged again.  She is killing two birds with one stone.  She is cutting most funding for the severely mentally ill, while she lets every undocumented felon carry concealed weapons, everywhere and anywhere: bar, state park, church function, or cock fight.  At first I thought, what an idiot.  And then I thought…clever girl!  These things will just work themselves out over time with little to no cost to the taxpayer. 

Do you begin to see her genius?  The Ted Nugents of the world can now hunt less than productive citizens for sport, so I would like to be the first to request a ‘bring out your dead’ cart as seen in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  See?  Her plan is saving money from social services, pandering to hunters, while creating jobs for innovative souls such as myself.  On that note: “Bring out your dead!” 

I predict this legislature will ultimately cost more for the AZ tax payer, not to mention the lives it will cost.  But, if Janet Brewer’s plan is to move the feds toward action on immigration—you know, so we have an adult version of an immigration bill at some point—then I understand her ploy.  If real reform surfaces and then she backs off her own somewhat extreme version, she deserves kudos.  But I really don’t think she’s smart enough for this ploy, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt.   Fact: the U.S. Government has ignored the problem way too long.  I was on the border two weeks ago, as covered in my last riveting feature.  When I wasn’t philosophizing about the perfect stout java combo, I was interviewing the locals.  I got to talk to a rancher who lives on the border, a fellow social service type working at a center for troubled youth at Mary’s Mission.  

Not only did he know the rancher who was killed recently, but a helicopter landed in his own backyard to bust some drug runners not a week before our conversation.  He says it’s never been this bad.  It’s a real war around Sierra Vista, not some exaggeration.  He separates people crossing his land for jobs from those running drugs.

“Drug dealers are the problem, not the folks looking for work.”

But, he fears for his family’s safety, for his land, and for his life.  Something definitely needs to be done.  Both sides ignore this problem as not to damage relations with the largest growing voting group.  It’s disgusting, like most of our sausage making these days.  This is where neither side is getting the picture.  But Mrs. Governor Lady, the laws don’t need to resemble 1940s Germany in any way. I feel the need to put Governor Janet Brewer in perspective for non-Arizonians.  Mrs. Brewer barely graduated with an associate’s degree from some community college.  Of course, that alone doesn’t make her stupid, especially as compared to, say, her colleague, the bumbling and barely literate Senator Kyle.  But upon hearing her talk and watching her actions…er, in the immortal words of Foghorn Leghorn: “She’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.”  Or as they call it in the Beltway, a Fox News All Star.

Again, this is where some integral thought might go a long way.  Brewer’s plan has gotten the Dem’s attention.  Her bill is a cry for help.  In fact, as a mental health professional, I believe most of her actions are a cry for help.  But what should Obama do?  How should he react?  Well, anything Obama tries to pass, right or wrong, will be shot down by the Republicans of the world faster than a Jew in Damascus.  Let’s be clear about this, Republicans are not rooting for America, they are rooting for their own private Idaho—a version of America that has already died, along with most of the Gulf Coast wildlife.  And, to this I say good riddance! I’m not talking about socialism, I don’t want that, either.  I’m talking about an unsustainable illusion called Hannity’s America. It’s time to grow up and the smell the change.  I know, it’s bad for your kidneys, so you might want to stay indoors and use a respirator.  You see, Hannity’s America doesn’t have EPA regs, so breathing is ill advisable under any circumstances.  

As for the drug smuggling, perhaps 25% of the problem could die tomorrow by legalizing pot.  The war on drugs is a war we have lost.   Having been in the field of addiction counseling, I would have to say three out of four substance abuse professionals favor legalization.  Informed people realize alcohol is way more addictive and dangerous than pot—especially the way I use it.  In other words, if you’ve drawn the line at alcohol, pot is on the other, considerably safer side of the equation.  I am also in favor of legalizing certain hallucinogens (under pressure from the Ghetto Shaman) but that’s about it.  They are actually discovering certain hallucinogens work more effective on depression than SSRIs.  Of course, most placebos work better than SSRIs, but I love those Merck luncheons.  The rest of the drugs out there are too addictive and/or too dangerous, but a 20% drop in smuggling could happen tomorrow if we would only free the seed—not to mention I would be one step closer to my dream of running a hash bar chain: Hash Wednesdays.  Think about it, we have a Ruby Tuesdays, a TGI Fridays.  Haven’t we ignored hump day long enough?  Weed the People in order to form a more perfect menu.

I think at this point, sending the National Guard to the border is imperative, both for our security and our sanity.  As for a fence along the border, I think a fence should be sensor driven, not wood or chain-link constructed.  This is 2010.  I realize this country is way past its prime, but we can do this.  An actual wall is an eyesore, expensive, and ineffectual.  No, I’m not talking about Governor Brewer.   To summarize my plan: an adult version of immigration reform, sensors not another Great Wall, deploy the National Guard, legalize pot, and send Brewer, Guns, and Money.   Er, hold the Brewer.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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