Geneva, CH— Many are perplexed and stunned by first subatomic particle communication ever. Scientists don’t know what to make of a message from the Higgs Boson, the ‘so called’ God Particle:

Listen Up Human MFs!

1. Thou shall have no other particles before me, because most tend to beat me up for my lunch money.
2. Thou shall not take the Higgs Bosons name in valence… I’m so small I can not even bond with anyone properly, covalent or otherwise. So I am a jealous particle! And none of that divalent bonding shit…too kinky.
3. Shut off those fucking particle accelerators. You try going around in circles at near light speeds without the benefit of Dramamine, bitches.
4. Thou shall not murder. Contract out for that shit, for real. That’s a universal truth.
5. Thou shall not Split Atoms! This means ye. Trust me, bashing the crap out of countless tiny civilizations is a bad karma fuckfest. We’re here! We’re quark! Get used to it!!
6. Dark Matter is real! In fact, you just stepped in some.
7. Avoid creating a micro black hole. They tend to suck. They can suck a neutron clear off a titanium atom’s nucleus. I know, I used to date one.
8. On the 7th day, take a chill pill. Don’t even fart. What’s simply a bad snack choice on your part can obliterate entire worlds down here. On that note, outlaw all Mexican food. Mexico doesn’t realize how close it is to collapsing on a subatomic level.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neil-bohrs. Sorry, a little quantum physicist joke. That one killed them in Geneva.
10. I think I left out the one about the donkey, but don’t do things with donkeys, or your neil-bohrs ass. Duh.