Large Hadron Collider Downed by Refried Beans

Large Hadron Collider Downed by Refried Beans
L. Wolfe

A mysterious hand from the future has once again stymied the Large Hadron Collider at CERN, conveniently located on the border of SwitzerFrance.  Well, perhaps it’s not the hand of the future, but the large intestine of the future.  LHC scientists reported start-up of the LHC has, once again, been delayed as a result of unforeseen circumstances.  A year and a half ago it was a mysterious electrical failure, a few months ago it was a baguette-carrying bird.  Now, it seems, refried beans are the culprit.

“Vell, ve had zis celebration party ze ozer day, and zer vaz ze, how you say,  refried bean burrito?” said one obviously French person.   The next morning the control room was reportedly “a buzz wiz ze gas bubbles.” 

“It brought me back to my old Bubble Chamber days at BHL,” stated another, less obviously French person.  “Those boys could really ratchet up the methane.” 

Various sources attested that the celebration was “a real blast,” but that the atmosphere in the control room the next morning was “qvite toxic.”         

Apparently, the combination of methane and hydrogen sulfide being off-gassed by the control room operators that morning was sufficient to knock out several key sensors in the control room, which subsequently led to massive systems failures, some lightheadedness among the operators, and ultimately a complete shut down of the LHC.

Rumors are spreading the LHC will never be operational again, because it is being deliberately sabotaged from the future.  David Tennent, the star of the popular Doctor Who series has been questioned by authorities.  The first Dr. Who has also been questioned, as well as all of the surviving members of the original Doctor Who series.  Several other Time Lords are also the focus of the investigation, including Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap, the entire cast from Sliders, and the unusually intelligent dog, Mr. Peabody, from the old Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoon. 

The CERN physicists have not ruled out a divine intervention from God (him or her)self and are calling this a “negative miracle” so to speak.  The connection between a negative miracle and dark matter is only theoretical but may involve drinking several liters of warm Tab Cola on an empty stomach.  The Discord was unable to get any comment on this “negative miracle” theory from the Pope (who refuses to comment), but a lower ranking individual did indicate that the Vatican would be open to an investigation into whether or not God, or any of his archangels, did indeed have a hand in the LHC demise.  The Discord staff assumes the Vatican would level any and all appropriate charges in the event there is verified malfeasance and bring Him or Her to justice.

Dick Cheney added “If God is behind this, he is not a citizen of the United States, so He/She should face a military tribunal and then He/She should be tortured repeatedly for information.”

Cheney believes that since God is omnipotent this might take considerable time, but the operation is crucial to U.S. security for highly classified reasons.

Meanwhile, CERN officials indicate it could be months before the LHC is up and running again and it may be even longer before food is allowed in the control room.

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