National Safety Council to Discontinue CPR on Grounds it’s “Too Gross”

National Safety Council to Discontinue CPR on Grounds it’s "Too Gross"

Washington, DC—The National Safety Council (NSC) has announced its intention to discontinue CPR as a life saving technique.

Dr. Bill Lynn, an NSC spokesperson, said, “I was an EMT and, I can tell you, putting your lips over some fat dying slob is awful.  The damn thing never worked anyway.”

Dr. Lynn prefers the Hollywood Method wherein you slam the chest a few times and then yell “Why, God why?!” up to the heavens, preferably with balled fists.

“The results are about the same,” claims Lynn.  “Besides, I never liked CPR, except maybe Bad Moon Rising.”

Lynn believes all of the CPR dummies can be shifted seamlessly into state representative roles. 

The NSC is now asking all hospitals to cease trying to revive heart attack victims and, instead, just go through their pockets for loose change.  The council was apparently inspired by “watching the Princess Bride, drunk, the other night.”

 “If you revive them then you have to pay for them,” said an anonymous hospital administrator. “No CPR = less hassle and less paperwork.  It’s about staying open during tough economic times.  We need to think about the taxpayer…and my pension.  And, as mortals, aren’t we just prolonging the inevitable?”

When asked about the Hippocratic Oath, he said, “Who sent you?” and then proceeded to climb out of a nearby window. 

Our own, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Mortuary, chimed in, “Hippocratic Oath?  What do those Greek pussies know?  Hermes flew around in his underpants for Gods’ sake.  I hate those guys.  When we have to shove blood through your system manually, aren’t we just enabling?  They’re dead beats…literally. Do it yourself, damn it! If you don’t have the motivation to keep your own heart beating, don’t come bitching to me when you croak.” 

When asked about his credentials. Dr. Hogbein asked, “Who sent you?” and proceeded to climb out of a nearby window.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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