No Spying During Spygate? What Next, No Pizza During Pizzagate?

Before waging battle with any of your crazy relatives this holiday season, here’s your updated handy-dandy scandal review list. Today we have some new Spygate fodder for your enjoyment. See why each and every republican led scandal ends in bullshit. Find out why there is never any there, there. Oh, and if you’re really gutsy, try reading this summary scandal table out loud at the next extended family gathering. Not recommended (Battery and/or Assault sold separately).

Sure, if you’re all Spygate-centric just skip to the bottom, but keep in mind this was like ten beers worth of research:

 

The ‘Scandal’

The Court Findings & Conclusions:    

The Historic Scandal-O-Meter

                           

Whitewater (1990s):

This theory suggested the Clintons killed Vince Foster to cover their tracks after a real estate venture that turned a large profit.

*For actual real estate scams see Donald J.Trump.

Post a 1980 IRS audit, no evidence of wrongdoing was found, here, and no evidence surfaced connecting Vince’s death and the Clintons (1994 congressional findings, here).

“After six years and more than $50 million in taxpayer money later, an independent counsel has concluded there is ‘insufficient evidence’ to charge President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton with any criminal wrongdoing.” —CBS

 0.00

This was a complete lie fabricated during the advent of the modern republican wingnut.

Anyone up for Epstein, Part Deux? No? How about we just challenge our current president to spell DNA?

Fast & Furious:

Obama lost some tracked weapons fed to Mexican drug cartels, one of which later killed a border patrol agent.

The DOJ’s IG at the time cleared Eric Holder, and Obama was never implicated in any wrongdoing. The initial program known as Operation: Wide Receiver began in 2006 under Dubya (6 people were ultimately indicted for this program).

“Only six months into office—and dealing with two wars and the worst financial collapse since the great depression—I guarantee you this was not on Obama’s radar. But, sure, let’s not do that anymore.” —Zano 2013

 2.00

Even though F&F occurred while Obama was still hanging the drapes at the WH, in retrospect, he should have ended all things Dubya both faster and more furiously’er.

 Solyndra:

This was a government supported solar energy startup that ultimately failed because the cost of silicon dropped, which allowed China to gain the upper hand on the deal.

The House Energy and Commerce Committee Investigation found no political manipulation, or wrongdoing of any kind by the Obama Administration. My favorite review of this matter comes complete with all the hyperlinks:

“For details on Solyndra, see here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, [deep breath] here, here, and here. Attempts to unearth a scandal worthy to be called the ‘next Solyndra’ have been no more fruitful: see here, here, and here.”  —The Grist

– 3

This is the only negative, but we did lose .5 billion, so we need more successful .Gov funded green energy ventures, preferably prior to the extinction of our species.

The IRS Scandal:

This involved the suspected targeting of Obama’s political adversaries, aka republicans, for tax audits.

After a thorough investigation the District of Columbia’s DOJ, Ronald Marchens, found insufficient evidence of wrongdoing by the Obama Administration.

The Dept. of Treasury investigation also found no bias:

“A federal watchdog investigating whether the IRS unfairly targeted conservative political groups seeking tax-exempt status said that the agency also scrutinized organizations associated with liberal causes from 2004 to 2013.” —The NYTs

0.000

I added a zero at the end, which means nothing mathematical, but shhhhh, republicans don’t know math (see: the last economic collapse, and/or the next one).

Today our president has an IRS target on his back the size of, uh, your local Target.

Climategate:

The GOP tried to decipher a scientific study on global warming and, in retrospect, probably shouldn’t have. They used this to create a false theory that scientists were cooking the books on climate. The only thing that will be cooking soon is us.

This is one with all the links as well!

“Dr. Michael Mann and other climate scientists have been investigated by a third party to see if there was any wrongdoing in the ‘Climategate’ scandal. And once again, they were cleared of any wrongdoing. They had been previously cleared by an International Panel of Scientists last year, by a panel at Penn State, and have been cleared by various other agencies as well. This time, the investigation was conducted by the National Science Foundation, and you can read the report in full here.”

—Forbes

0.004

This started when a scientist was overheard saying he needed to ‘fix the numbers,’ which for people who went to school means: removing the outliers & presenting the data in a digestible fashion.

Fun Fact: No fact is digestible for republicans.

I added a value in the thousandth digit place, just to “fix” the #s.

Benghazi:

This is the most investigated scandal, and I still don’t have a clue why. Four people died in a Libyan embassy, including a US ambassador, the cause of the attack triggered 8 meaningless investigations. The longest run in US history.

Eight investigations that defied reason.

  1. The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, interim report findings.
  2. The Senate Committee On Homeland Security And Governmental Affairs, report here.
  3. The Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, lack of findings here.
  4. Investigation 4-7 same lack of evidence, different committees.
  5. The eighth and hopefully final investigation blames the military response, not Clinton.

Here’s the House Select Committee’s review of Clinton’s 11 hour testimony. 11 hours of testimony for bullshit vs zero seconds testimony for treason, because their scandals go to 11!

0.00

(Military’s scandal score is higher, a 3, and The GOP’s score is a 2, as they cut embassy security funds the year before the incident.)

Uranium One:

This is when Republicans claimed Hillary Clinton sold uranium to Russia from her Etsy account, or something.

“The Uranium One sale was unanimously approved by [Committee on Foreign Investment in the United States, or CFIUS], which is made up of representatives from nine separate federal agencies and chaired by the Treasury Department.” …and, the same report showed Clinton never intervened with the decision.

—March 8, 2018 press release

Additionally, then AG Sessions (R) and Trey “Benghazi or Bust” Gowdy (R) found insufficient evidence to appoint a special counsel on the matter.

0.00

(Uranium None joke currently being enriched by Tehran.)

Birthergate: Do I have to?

0.00

Pizzagate: Suffice to say the basement under the pizza parlor from which Hillary was supposed to be running a sex ring operation, didn’t actually exist.

0.00

 

Burisma Scandal Sold Sperately:    Uggg. Projected ….hmmm.

 

And now the exciting conclusion of this fictional extravaganza that helped the US elect a clown-despot 🤡 😲:

 Spygate:

 

To summarize the IG’s findings:

Zero spying during Spygate .

Absolved peeps (1st glance): Sztrok, Page, Clinton, Clinton, Obama, Lynch, Clapper, Comey, McCabe, Brenner.

The Dossier was not part of the investigations advent, as shit started w/ Padapawhatsas, not Page …well, that’s 792 hours of Hannity’s America I’ll never get back!

The Page FISA warrant did have serious issues, but was one of over 500 warrants related to Russian interference. Hey, but they found something sort of relevant. Weird, right?

Today the NYTs reports: The IG report found errors but no anti-Trump plot, or my prediction: The IG Report will find errors, but no anti-Trump plot.

“The Horowitz investigation really can’t fail, because any irregularities real, perceived, or invented will be backed by an AG.” And, “The findings will rank about a two on the Zano-scandal-meter, but as usual the GOP will upgrade this drivel to a 10. By the time everyone figures out the whole thing was Benghazi’d, it won’t matter. Meanwhile, using a reverse procedure, Mueller’s findings, which historians will ultimately rank an 11, will be transformed back into a pile of #2. This is more Alchemy for Dummies, a process designed to transmute the truth into Foxal Matter, and then back again.”  Zano 8/19

The Inspector General, under great political pressure, couldn’t find anything on Spygate, at all: Attorney General Barr’s hand-picked prosecutor said he can’t back a ‘deep state’ theory that the Russia probe was an anti-Trump conspiracy

As Herr Ass-clown’s key dupe, now Barr will still go spook headhunting.

 

 

0.00

(Democratic scandal = zero, but FBI = 4.)

No 2 score, so a rare Zano retraction?

 

 

AG Barr’s interpretation to come: someone made a serious error, so this is a serious scandal.

 

 

 

 

 

Total  =  Bullshit

 

What about Hillary’s email server, Zano?!

Ah, yes, Hillary’s emails are not listed here, because those revelations were an offshoot of the endless/fictional Benghazi investigations, aka the definition of an actual witch hunt. Having said that, this one does rate a 4 on the Zano-scale, the highest score to date, but, again, only because of a perception of wrongdoing. The optics of using bleachbit to clean one’s server when the Judiciary Committee comes a knocking is not a good one, but as for the rest of the actual evidence of wrongdoing and mishandling of classified documents, it turned up the usual zilch, here.

Even under intense political pressure to find something, these people never do. It was never about this list of fictional distractions. Fox News created an alternate reality as a cover for their own ongoing crimes. The Hunter Biden/Burisma shit also reaches the score of a 1, but only due to the perception of a conflict of interest. Our president is a walking conflict of interest and it’s always the false equivalency of jay walking (D) vs war crimes (R). You have to give them some credit, they weaponized the uneducated with a frightening efficiency. nearly.

The real problem was never the above list of distractions, but how the real investigations during this same time period, never actually occured: lying us into war, torture, money laundering, extortion, obstruction, etc. The were

I know you’re not listening anymore, Pokey, but when are you going to apologize for supporting bullshit designed to only muddy the politically waters to the benefit of electing the criminally insane? Nothing yet? Since blogging, except Whitewater which was PZB (Pre-Zano Blogging), I responded to all of these in multiple, searchable articles on this very website. Why did you waste my time, Pokey? You tell me.

So, to conservatives credit, they don’t make stuff up in a court of law and then have partisan judges dole out the consequences for these non existent acts …yet. This is where we are heading. Even though the start of the Russia Hoax has proven to be legit, warranted and necessary.

 

Here’s what I got wrong over the last couple of decades with regarding these scandals:

I thought at least one republican led witch hunt would net something really relevant. I.was.wrong. I keep saying republicans are right ten percent of the time, but there’s no evidence to support this claim. My mistake was to ignore the republican’s uncanny super power to be wrong all the time.

 

 

 

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

  1 comment for “No Spying During Spygate? What Next, No Pizza During Pizzagate?

  1. Mick Zano
    December 20, 2019 at 11:01 AM

    I would like to bump the FBI scandal to a whopping 4. The Carter Page FISA was a shitshow, but again Padapawhatsas was the start of the investigation and it was not started under false pretenses (the right’s main argument). If this remains procedural, which i predict it will, it’s still not a (D) scandal. They will not connect the dots between some deep state/Obama or Clinton led effort to bring down Trump, but only because they’ve never gotten anything right, so why start now?

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