A-Crock-O-Shit Now

Tony Ballz

What the hell happened? NOTHING happened, that’s what happened. Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, what a boring apocalypse. With all the hype that’s been building up, you’d think the show would be a little better. But no, it was just another Friday night in Flagstaff. There weren’t even any good bands downtown!

Someone dropped the ball on Armageddon, and I think you all know who I’m talking about. Hmm? Three letters, starts with a G? Ends with a D? Hmm? Yes, I know the Big Guy is getting up there in millennia, but COME ON! Not even one horseman? Maybe half a pestilence? How about an annoyance of locusts? Mosquitos? Crickets? Grubs? Not ONE THING on fire? We got hosed.

I mean, why did he even bother with the prophecies and whatnot? You know, the Mayan calendar and all that flapdoodle? When you spend thousands of years plugging a single event, you have to put SOME kind of act together. Doesn’t The Almighty know any decent marketing guys? Oh wait, they all go straight to hell. Never mind.

What about divinely inspiring the Neanderthals who wrote the Bible? That stuff takes a lot of effort. You basically have to starve them into eating psilocybin mushrooms and peyote and moldy bread until those lazy blockheads churn out some good copy.

Let’s be honest, the Book Of Revelations was written by the first century’s version of your average metalhead in Muncie Indiana, driving through a cornfield on a Saturday night waxed to the gills on whatever hallucinogens they sell at Ace Hardware for under $20.

“Hell yeah, the APOCALYPSE, brah! It’s gonna be AWESOME! Like, California’s gonna fall in the ocean while Tool is playing, and we’re all gonna be rockin’ out … and then the locusts descend while Black Sabbath is doing ‘War Pigs’ and all the assholes, like all the frat guys and record executives are gonna be drowning in huge cauldrons of boiling gravy, and they’ll be like, ‘Help! It burns! Save us!” and Ozzy will give them the finger and say, “Ha Ha, too late, douchebags! You had your chance to be cool and you blew it! Now SUFFER!!!” … and then Motorhead will come out and right when they play ‘Ace Of Spades’ the Four Horsemen will be riding across the sky and Lemmy will high five all of them like, ‘Alright, brothers!’ Man, it’s gonna RULE!”

Now THERE’S an apocalypse I can get excited about. I might even buy a t-shirt or a commemorative CD:

Black Sabbath – LIVE at Armageddon

Motorhead – High Fiving The Four Horsemen (Deluxe End-Of-The-World Edition with bonus DVD)

Someone should have contacted the people at Sony about this shit last year. Now it’s too late and what are we stuck with? Paul McCartney and Dave Grohl. Big deal.

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