Mayans Finally Release 2013-7138 Calendar!

Mayans Finally Release 2013-7138 Calendar!

Maya, MX—Yes, it’s finally here, folks! The Mayans have released their next ‘long count calendar’ less than 100 days before the old calendar is set to expire. The Maya have come under considerable scrutiny in recent years for singlehandedly increasing anxiety levels across the globe. Many connected the lack of the next Mayan calendar with some type of global apocalypse.

The Maya are pushing back. “We have always released the calendar right before the other one expires,” said the Mayan God of Freezing Drizzle, Hunab Kuu. “It’s how it’s always been done. Doesn’t anyone remember this shit?”

When asked why they never bothered to quell fears, or even let people know about the next calendar’s pending release, Kuu said, “If you had a 5,126 year calendar to produce, would you have any spare time!?” He then let out a string of Mayan expletives not heard since the day his people realized the Spanish Conquistadors were not the old teachers from heaven.

When asked if their feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl, is going to return this December, Kuu replied, “Yeah, but he isn’t going to destroy the world or anything. He’s just a snow bird, really. It gets awfully nasty on Venus this time of year. He’ll party for awhile and then go home. Sure he’s going to break some shit when he gets really drunk, but it’s hardly going to be a world ending event. Hail Yig!”

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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