The Daily Discord: Breaking Down News into Tiny Shards of Sensationalism

Mick Zano

How can you people insist Obama hasn’t accomplished anything?  He postponed a depression, he put a muzzle on Joe Biden—no easy trick—and he turned global warming into global cooling.  Not bad for one year in office.  Sure Obama is a bully, but he’s bending the rule of law for the powers of good.  OK, I’m kidding.  It’s just fun watching the patriotards squirm.  Have a czar, you’re gonna go far…  

Back in 2008, Pokey McDooris asked me the hardest question ever.

He said, “Ginger or Mary Ann?”

Then he asked me an even harder question, he said, “Forget about (R) or (D) for a moment, who do you think has the best chance of both keeping us safe and pulling our country out of this freefall?” 

I really couldn’t answer. 

The Dems invariably suck, but voting for a Republican after eight years of George W. Bush would be kind of like purposely zipping your penis into your own fly.  Five years ago, we were already talking about Glenn Beck and we could commiserate with his view of our pending demise.  He was making slightly more sense when no one was listening to him—kind of like Pokey. 

I finally answered with a heavy hearted, “Mary Ann.”

She was busted for pot recently, at sixty-something, and I can respect that…

Then I said, “Obama would keep us safer.”

Admittedly, a guess at best. I knew he would be great on the soft power and, besides, how could he do any worse?  We needed a senile hawk in the White House about as much as…did I mention the pant zipper thing?  Sheeee-it, it’d be like picking Mrs. Howell, for Gilligan’s sake. 

Today, congress remains handcuffed by lobbyists and King Obama reigns over the Bill of Rights.  You remember, that document you fools dismantled in the name of Freedom?  As somewhere Joseph Goebbles grins (the way skulls often will). Just this week, conservative judges passed the SCOTUS decision, moving us ever closer toward an amalgamation of government and business…but isn’t Obama the fascist?  First Halliburton, now SCOTUS, but, remember kids, Obama bought the auto industry because he’s such a huge car guy.  The difference with liberals is this: they can at least smell a socialist fart when they lay one.

No matter what we do from here on in, peeps, we’re moving toward a pile of fecal matter the size of—what’s our deficit again?  Sadly, Fox and the Teabaggers are right on one.  Obama’s ten year borrowing plan does mean the end of the economy as we know it (wasn’t that an REM song?).  Obama’s Monopoly money simply postponed the big D.  But now Fox will have their fall guy, right on cue.  But, hey, it’ll be almost worth it to see the Foxeteers on those long soup lines with a twinkle in their eye. 

I braved the Fox Business show the other day (not recommended).  They want Obama to “grow up” and, of course, everyone on the panel blamed Obama for our economic state, except the one guy that couldn’t get a word in edgewise. 

As ineffectual as Obama is, the Foxeteers are the ones who need to grow up.  If they get everything they want for x-mas, our economy will still go down the shitter—albeit a little faster, with less pomp and circumstance, and with less options for the survivors—but hey, who’s counting, right? Certainly not our enumeration czar, The Count von Count.

Didn’t any of you ever wonder why you just happen to believe 95% of what is espoused on Fox?  Why their endless talking points just happen to resonant with your own?  Is it subliminal messages or mental illness?  As soon as MSNBC started to suck, it took me twelve minutes to figure it out (hint: I was in the can for ten of them).  

Shut off the transmission in your heads.  These business tards on Fox are only going to support whatever they think will keep the stock market percolating through their morning joe—and by noon they’ll all be out to lunch.  They’ve missed so many memos, I don’t even know where to begin.  So I will finish…They’re wrong

The neococoon is an interesting phenomenon.  I call it the land of the neurologically fear driven partisan defense mechanisms (LNFDPDM).  The neococoon creates its own reality by repeating falsehoods, ad infinitum, with absolutely no regard for our collective future, or lack thereof.  It worked for Hitler…come to think of it, Roger Ailes did too (when was he born?).

Here’s one example why the vast majority of Fox viewers are simply corporate dupes.  In my state, right now, Republican Governor Janet Brewer (AZ), is about to gut nearly all funding for the severely mentally ill and for Kids Care (insurance for low income kids from working families).  No, I’m not making this up.  Republicans are always penny wise and pound foolish. At least they’re consistent.  Almost completely broke now, Arizona is also going to close most of our state parks. So here’s my idea.  We let all of the mentally ill loose in the parks.  Then, not only can we keep the parks open, but it will liven up those Sedona Pink Jeep Tours.  Hey, and what’s a caravan of donkeys down the Grand Canyon without a pack of paranoid schizophrenics at your heels, eh?  This is win-win!  Or in the case of the Obsessive Compulsive Canyon Cruise, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win!

Raise the state tax a penny, you stupid bitch.  We shouldn’t become a third world country until the next collapse, or are you just trying to be the first in your class?  Oh, and stop blaming the Dems.  Here’s the equation Governor Gullible:

I blame the Republicans for this mess   =  intuitive, but only partial credit

I blame the Dems and Republicans for this mess  =  Full credit.  Well done

I blame the Dems for this mess   =  you’re a brainwashed ignoramus (zero points)

Oh, and by the way, your state’s next.  But my point is this: to the backdrop of the chaos currently ensuing, we see the same limo pulling up to the psych-unit with several suited drug reps, armed to the teeth with catered treats for our doctors and nurses.  You know, so we buy their overpriced anti-psychotic meds that no one can now afford outside of Scottsdale proper (insert The Hamptons, if you’re from the east coast, here).  Besides, how can we get them their meds now, anyway?  I just let them loose in our state parks.  Hmmmmm.  Folks like Ted Nugent would probably pay big bucks to track and nail a bucking bi-polar borderline with injectable Risperdal.  Naaah, I’ve been reading too many Crank articles. 

Good luck with your future business endeavors, Foxeteers. 

Your singular lockstep backing of banks, lawyers, the Visa Gods, insurance and drug companies while offering only empty gestures toward reform is truly frightening.

Michael J. Fox News wants to go Back in Time.  So do I…but not to 2008.  Heck, they don’t even realize yet—at this late hour—that their paradigm, their worldview, and their tax shelters have already collapsed.  It’s like trying to go back to work at the World Trade Center on 9/12; it aint gonna happen.  So yes, they are the most culpable, the least in touch with what’s happening, and the biggest obstacles to making the tough choices to save this nation.  Real America killed by real dumb Americans, film at eleven.

But you’re right about the Dems sucking.  It’s time you all realized there are no good choices left…only then can real change commence.  So why not actually make some tough choices now, folks?  Why not work toward some semblance of community sustainability?  You can start by making sure there’s enough hops and barely in your hometown.  Right, Governor Brewer?

Come back into the fold, kids.  Support the third option.  Join the Transcosmetic Party today.  We already have nearly five members…and growing.

I have been told that I am not solution oriented.  My bartender says otherwise.  I have suggested a gas tax, years ago, to level the playing field for a time so we might actually pursue genuine alternative sustainable fuel sources (GAS-FS).  Not continue to be duped by the big three.  I don’t want to pay five dollars a gallon either, people, but what part of we’re all screwed aren’t you getting?

Fox is blaming the relief quarterback, who had one last chance to throw it long.  They have absolutely no regard for the first 59 minutes, you know…when they controlled the play.  Obama had one shot or, as I call it, the Hail Mary Ann pass.  She was the cutest, but I’m partial to brunettes.

Sorry Hannity, Massivetwoshits was not a Republican referendum.  Obama nailed it in an interview last week. If you are an incumbent in the next several years, R or D, you’re toast.  Then the guy who comes into power next will, again, be toast.  When you break shit real good, it aint getting fixed anytime soon.  That’s the only message, asshole.  This is—and has been—a complete collapse since November 2008.  So you can stop cheering for our collective demise anytime now, Patriot Boy. 

As things sink further into the super capitalistic abyss, people will run willy nilly between door number one and door number two.  It’s called the Haiti shuffle….what? too soon?  We can’t keep trying these same two pathetic choices.  In the immortal words of the Joker, I’m bringing them out a whole new door…and, yes, it involves something brewed by the Ghetto Shaman.  Instead of four years in the military, send your kids to Haiti for four months.  Call it training for what’s to come.  The only hope we have of turning this ship around involves a move toward integral thought.  Or, in the case of Republicans, I’ll settle for any thought.  So come on, kids.  The alarm bells are ringing.  Time to don the tights and slide down the bat pole one more time toward freedom!  

Er…Freedom is just this club I frequent.   Don’t read too deeply into that.  

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.