The GOP: Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory

The Crank

I got an email today from Reince Preibus, or whatever the F his name is, the head of the GOP. It seems that they now want to hear from the average Republicans—you know, people with real jobs—about how they can improve the party’s platform. I will now relate to youse’ my rather Cranky reply:

Dear Reince (or whatthefuckevergetarealnameplease),

1. To start with, please stop all Republican elected officials from ever, EVER making any statement related to the goings-on inside a woman’s manufacturing area type parts. EVER. No one from our party really knows just what-a-goes on in thar’ anyway, so it’s better we just left it be. The good Lord’s doin’ just fine without our input, no need to go fuckin’ everythin’ up, so to speak. I think you should make it real painful for any politician who strays from this rule, like maybe a six million dollar fine. And maybe throw in some waterboarding, first offense. This is a game I like to call ‘Stop the Bleeding’.

2. Every time an old white Republican man goes in front of a camera, make sure there is a Hispanic, a black person, an Asian-American, some young women and a Native American standing to his sides. This will go a long way to countering the grey-pasty-white-wrinkly-effect (GPWWE) we seem to have on our viewers. As yet there is no camera filter on Earth that can combat this, but NASA is working furiously on this very issue.

3. Similarly, please do not schedule group shots of old white Repubs. This will look more like a zombie attack or a Rolling Stones concert than anything political. We don’t want to scare the populace any more than we already have, especially the ones on bath salts.

4. Please leave out references to anything related to the following terms: marriage, sexual preference, borders-fences, and killing babies. These terms cause an immediate and forceful shutdown of any audience’s give a fuck levels. While we all may believe strongly in one or another of these, we live in different times now. Baby-killin’, carpet-munch’n, crotch-likkin’, butt fucking, fudge-pakin’, fence jumpers are more welcome here than we are. Besides, most of these themes can now be found in video games and our junior high curriculums. We must adjust to modern times, even if it does mean the end of the world as we knew it…not to mention God’s eternal damnation of all mankind. And please don’t finish a diatribe with the words, “And how’d that work out fer’ Gomorrah?” On a related note, I did really enjoy the movie Godzilla vs. Gomorrah. Sorry, I think it’s Godzilla appreciation month here at the Discord. At least I hope so, otherwise I’m starting to worry about this bunch.

5. If you are running for any office and you are in the middle of an endless desert, one thousand miles from anywhere, and you want to speak frankly about something to someone you trust, don’t bother. Even the vultures circling above your heads have Iphonea and they’re recording your every word for YouTube, aka, remain in character at all times, 24-7. Don’t even talk in your sleep.

6. The following terms are our only concern now: debt, deficit, entitlements, immigration reform and tax reform. Stick with the fucking message people, this aint rocket science. We need to blanket the whole news cycle with printouts showing the actual demise timeline of Medicare and Social Security, telling everyone that ‘they’ are actually going to throw grandma off a cliff when it all goes belly-up. We want to save at least most of it, or the parts of grandma that don’t annoy the shit out me.

7. Do not forget, our party, along with libertarians, is the only people that take into consideration human nature when trying to resolve a problem. Them other folks are all ‘Star Trek’ about things, living in their own fantasy world, where people don’t move to avoid taxes, where business owners care more for them that making a profit, where China and India are not part of the whole ‘climate change’ thing, and where Government knows best. You know… la-la land.

8. Engage a commission that gets paid, well paid, to search out media bullshit and bring it out immediately, forcefully and non stop. We need Fox times three. That should shut them up, or kill them, one or the other (see Scanners).

9. The next Repub candidate for Prez and VP WILL be a Hispanic and a woman, or STFU.

10. No more primaries. They killed us. Do a deal like we used to—nominees decided in a cigar smoke filled, darkened room…the ones with glasses of brandy and stacks of cash all rubber-banded together in little brown paper bags. You know, like how they pick the Pope.

A Realistic Crank

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