Spendthra VS. Cutzilla: Battle for Earth

Mick Zano

I said I would move our debate forward…ummm, I lied.  I’m not saying liberals are the answer, Crankster—I never have—I’m just saying your group is almost certainly never the answer, unless the question is “my toilet’s stopped up.”  I’m Kidding!!  I have those eco-friendly no-flush types. I’m also going to refrain from any-and-all Joe the Dumber jokes. 

For the last time: I don’t identify myself as a liberal, mainly because I’m not.   See? That’s the problem:  you still identify yourself as a Republican, worse yet a Fox Republican.  You have tried to pigeonhole me and have failed.  Meanwhile, pigeonholing a Fox Republican is like finding neon on the Las Vegas Strip.

Fox Republicans  = correct about 20% of the time, typical Republicans = correct about 30%, Democrats =  correct about 30% of the time.  Zano correct = ummm, what’s left (hint: that’s higher math and we don’t fund that anymore).

Didn’t you ever wonder why I predict things better than Fox or MSNBC?  I’m guessing not… for that would require that pesky independent thought again. Let’s start thinking of new words for Conservative, Democrat, Liberal, Progressive, because those labels carry more baggage than  See any Rep. Weiner tweet.  That’s why I agree with the Atlantic’s of no party or clique theme, and that’s why I am a proud member of the Transcosmetic Party here at the Daily Discord (three members and growing).  

Case in point, those four “liberals” at your last family dinner party, er….if I’m not mistaken (and I’m not), three of the four of them voted for Bush the first round.  Those crazy libs!  Only difference? They, unlike you, have figured some things out waaaaaaaaaay before dessert, in fact, almost ten years before dessert (hint: maybe they didn’t shift left).  Isn’t it just possible they refused to take the last train to Palinville? 

“I’m really in the middle,” you once said to me.  In the middle of what? If you were an alien looking at the sun from any direction, you would still be so far friggin right of the Ort Cloud it would take a full season of Voyager to find your way back to Earth (see, I can do Trek references too).

There is no compromise on the far right and very little understanding.  Case in point, what Biden said recently is the sad reality, we need a combination of spending cuts and tax hikes, much like my plan.  So end the damn Bush tax cuts already and then we’ll talk.  I’m only saying this because we are waaaay too far in debt to sustain them.

Let’s do this from an individual perspective… let’s say you decide to put one war on your credit card, because, boy, that war would be really cool!  I just have to have it.  And then you charge a second war on your credit card because, damn, Shock and Awe time, baby, we’re America! Then you throw in a prescription drug plan to pander to Florida voters—all unpaid for—and then, amidst this spending spree, you decide to expand the government more than anyone else ever has in our two hundred and thirty five year history…  That pretty much sums up the Bush years.  Oh, and this is the part that pertains to the now, Crank, here’s today’s Republicans:

“Ummm, I don’t even want to pay the minimum anymore on my credit card balance, because it stifles the free market, so let’s extend the Bush tax cuts indefinitely.”

If you can’t see why this line of “thinking” is not at least part of the problem today, I’ll give you one Crank-style all caps hint: CHINA CAN!

Last week on Fox, Bill Hemmer, refused—absolutely refused—to let Alan Colmes complete his sentence. So I will invoke a Bill Maherian FACT ALERT signal.  This sign will allow the fighting Foxeteers at least one sentence to crawl back into the safety of their Neococoon.  Here’s the sad, statistically comprised truth:

“Eight years of the Bush tax cuts never created any jobs.”

– Alan Colmes

I am only quoting Mr. Colmes—and never have before—because Alan tried to say this three times and each time Hemmer just talked louder over him.  This is not something the powers that be want the Foxeteers to understand.   Whew, they win…because, obviously, none of those Foxeteers do understand.

To cut to the entire Crank rebuttal, “Biden and Colmes are assholes!” 

Touché, excellent point, sir.  Technically, that’s two good points.  Well said, or, well…said.  Actually, at the end of the day (or the world), it’s more delusional/all-or-none thinking.  We’re not going to get out of this with spending cuts alone or tax hikes alone—and, if we did, the death toll would be unacceptable to most of humanity—especially when you consider the fact no one actually wants to cut anything, except my job.  Fine, cut my job.  It’s not going to get you there.  Oh wait….there’s my benefits package too, hmmmm, maybe. 

Republicans are very likely to win in 2012, which I initially predicted upon Obama’s inauguration.  But, keep in mind, I predicted we would swing back and forth between D and R until we officially sink.  The fact Obama may win a second term—that he actually has a chance despite a looming depression—is a testament to the ineffectualness of the right.   America is smarter than Fox gives them credit, albeit, barely.

The Crank recently said I speak in half truths.  Fox should aspire toward half-truths; think of the improvement!   The Crank questions all statistics, except the Heritage Group.  Speaking of which, admittedly a verbal gaffe, but the Crank recently told me “How can you even compare Obama’s trillions of debt to Bush’s 800 billion?”   Again, this was a verbal moment, but even the right think tank, the Heritage Group, has these numbers (aka, the kindest numbers they could muster for Bush):

President Bush presided over a $2.5 trillion increase in the public debt through 2008. Setting aside 2009 (for which Presidents Bush and Obama share responsibility for an additional $2.6 trillion in public debt), President Obama’s budget would add $4.9 trillion in public debt from the beginning of 2010 through 2016.

Heritage.org, March 16, 2009

Yeah, only 4 trillion or so off, but who’s counting?  Certainly not the Republicans.  Well, in their defense they only started counting after Obama’s inauguration—post the actual collapse.

With regards to the economy, the Crank is much more knowledgeable than yours truly. True story.  I don’t think anyone who knows the Crank personally, thinks he’s a dolt.  He would eat most of the Republican nominees for lunch, but that doesn’t always come across in his posts, and part of that is clearly his anger.  We are all angry: angry we’re losing our country, angry we’re losing our rights, and angry we’re losing our way of life.  We just don’t fundamentally agree on how we got here and how to fix things.  I think I am better at big picture issues than he is; I see patterns, and I see things coming.  I practically coined the phrase double-dip recession, way back during TARP, and now Fox thinks they invented the shit.   The Crank has more data at his command in that thick noggin of his than most.  He just needs to learn to translate it into something meaningful and, of course, break from Fox News talking points now and again.  No matter what the problem is, Fox is not, nor should it be, part of the solution.  They, and their ilk, remain the story within the story of our time.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.