Washington, DC—The chief scientist of NASA, Ellen Stofan, recently announced, during a panel discussion, her firm belief that “we are on the verge of finding alien life” and that “this discovery will happen within a decade.” This stunning announcement sent Ted Cruz, the chair of the Space, Science, and Competitiveness committee, into immediate inaction.
Senator Ted Cruz told the press today, “I have no reason to doubt NASA’s claims—except the whole aliens are never mentioned in either The Bible or Atlas Buggered—but if we only have a decade before these little green welfare recipients invade our sovereign planet, we need to start building a global border fence now.”
Many believe Alien life capable of traveling on interstellar missions would have technologies that far exceed our own. When someone confronted Cruz with this fact, he responded, “NASA can work on the fence, because I’m in charge of NASA, but the Defense Department is going to have to work with me here and start making phasers, light sabers and those X-Men mutant people.”
When questioned about the 927-trillion dollar price tag associated with the space wall, Cruz said, “Fiscal conservatism has a long rich history of out-of-control deficits. I intend to continue with that time honored tradition. It will keep America safe from the grey menace and will decrease unemployment. And if these little googly-eyed bastards try to take my ray gun, let’s just say, from my cold dead Iron Man-style hand blaster.”