FDA Approves New Genius Pill! One Tablet At Bedtime, Or Fifteen If You’re A Trump Supporter

A new pill is now on the marked designed to help memory, focus, and general cognitive function. Throw out your ginkoba and that shit made from jellyfish testicles, because there’s a new smart pill in town designed to make you the next Jeopardy champion on your block. Polls suggest that those who took the pill for thirty days straight saw a huge improvement in our view of them as people. It is also believed to markedly improve attention to detail and improve attention to detail. Most our customers have gone on to become quantum physicists, win the Nobel Peace prize, or win the Nobel Peace Prize in quantum physics while winning Jeopardy. The price tag for a mega-improved brain is not cheap and, due to dosage concerns, it’s out of reach for most Republican households.

Don’t put anything from a jellyfish in your mouth again until you’ve tried this amazing product. Do you find yourself working on a spoof news site for free? Do you find yourself struggling to come up with relevant questions for a memory drug bit? You can end these problems forever! Each pill contains neural stimulating amino acids that work with your body’s brain cells to fight off the stupid embedded within you. Here’s a recent testimonial:

“I went from Breitbart, to Fox, to CNN, to the Wall Street Journal, to peer reviewed studies on neural physiology in only one afternoon! I just ate the whole bottle as soon as it arrived with some methamphetamine!”

Full money-back guarantee for those who can still remember this part after dosing. Kidding, you won’t! if you do remember this part our lawyers will insist your memory has improved, so you’ll lose that legal battle either way. Why are you already being bitches about it? We’re just trying to help. Geesh.

 

 

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

  6 comments for “FDA Approves New Genius Pill! One Tablet At Bedtime, Or Fifteen If You’re A Trump Supporter

  1. pokey
    February 9, 2019 at 10:35 AM

    …and if you’re a supporter of the Green New Deal?

    • Mick Zano
      February 9, 2019 at 12:16 PM

      Right, I am not. I want one, just not that crazy lady’s. But again, to help explain, one congresswoman too far to the left, doesn’t excuse every republican in office being too far to the right. Mind the gap. And sure there’s some initial, albeit misguided support for this green plan, but the majority will come back to their senses, because the left, at least for the moment, still has senses to come back to.

      • pokey
        February 11, 2019 at 8:10 AM

        Yes, I agree, the specific policy proposal of Green New Deal is too far to the Left.
        What specific policy can you point to that is too far to the Right?

        • Mick Zano
          February 11, 2019 at 1:49 PM

          as I’ve said the discussion should range between the more conservative Dems, like the departing Clair McCaskill and Bernie Sanders. That’s the answer to all of our problems, somewhere between those two. As soon as you stray into republicanism, it’s all too far right, almost without exception. Since that’s too long of a list, what do you think is a conservative policy that makes sense? I can’t think of any. Review this article on venn diagrams, ha, ha. It spells out each major issue and why R does not/will not contribute anything meaningful.

          • pokey
            February 11, 2019 at 3:25 PM

            Utilize our nation’s massive supply of natural gas and oil to become energy independent.

            • Mick Zano
              February 11, 2019 at 8:16 PM

              Is that the non insane republican approach? Hmmm, that’s actually the non non-insane approach. In 2019, that’s crazier than most positions. We can have the reserves, but we should have shifted green long ago. Now it’s going to be a little more painful. Again, this is another all or none thing with republicans forcing the position into YES of NO, and then choosing fossil fuels. This is what they do and why they must be stopped.

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