America’s Stonehenge: Intrigue, Mystery and Closet Space

Buried deep in the heart of New England is an American treasure frequently, and tragically, overlooked.  Indeed, while the average American is convinced that only one Stonehenge exists—somewhere in England—buried in the foliage-filled woods of Salem (NH, that is) lies a magical place known as America’s Stonehenge. Indeed, England’s Stonehenge is but a sad circle of stones in comparison.

When visiting this wonderland of mystical history, one is welcomed by the friendly faces of Eddie, Trooper, and Kordell—AKA "the alpacas of America’s Stonehenge." Yes, these great llama-like creatures, possibly from Alpacastahn, are a source of wool *and* greetings (watch out senior citizens manning the doors at Walmarts across America!).

If the sites at America’s Stonehenge ended with alpaca, it would clearly be enough to put this spot in a prominent place in any road tripper’s arsenal. But America’s Stonehenge is so much more than just alpaca. There’s intrigue! There’s mystery! There are changes in the earth’s movement (literally)! There’s human sacrifice (perhaps)! There’s closet space! There are gardening tips!  There are, quite possibly, dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria!

First, the intrigue the complex of America’s Stonehenge comes complete with a sacrificial table, a sundeck chamber, and a secret bed. Yes, you read that right — there’s a sacrificial table, and not in the sense of a table that can be sacrificed to the near-certain collapse that is likely if it is subject to the weight of a moose. Instead, this is a sacrificial table in the more traditional sense—complete with grooves to help drain the blood, and a speaking tube underneath, to freak out the sacrificial victim before his or her heart is yanked out, or hair is pulled, or toes are cracked, or the ‘Cheney Special’ as they call it around the Potomac. The sundeck chamber is also intriguing… if the goal is to get a suntan, why lie down in a chamber that would shade you from the sun? Perhaps the ancient people who built the structure weren’t quite as brainy as the falling rocks might suggest. Finally, the secret bed of intrigue…it’s a secret bed—no explanation of intrigue needed, really.

Next, the mystery… again, who were the people who valued blood, tanning, and sleeping privacy and who put painstaking care into building this well-crafted structure? Were they Irish Culdee Monks, as some guy named Goodwin (according to a trusty pamphlet—a fact-filled account containing truth (FACT) provided by the visitor’s center) believed? And, if so, what exactly are Culdee Monks, and how did they end up in New Hampshire? Were they kicked out of Boston? Did they brew yummy beer? And, why did some guy named Pattee, who keeps getting mentioned in aforesaid pamphlet, decide to move to America’s Stonehenge with his wife?  Was it the secret bed, or was it rent controlled?  And, did Mrs. Pattee, again as the pamphlet suggests, really plant lilacs on a roof of part of the structure in the 1800’s? Why lilacs? And what color were they, assuming lilacs indeed come in different colors? And, perhaps most importantly, the FACT notes that "crystals were worshiped or used for tools by ancient cultures." Does the FACT refer to the ancient cultures who once stood on the hallowed grounds of America’s Stonehenge? And why did they have to either worship them or use them for tools? Why not both, or some type of alternating worship itinerary (AWI)?

Changes in the Earth’s Movement
OK, before we get to the earth moving, you first have to keep in mind that America’s Stonehenge is old, really old—well, at least the planet underneath it is old. In fact, the FACT confidently says that carbon dating suggests that tree roots and charcoal existed at this place as far back as 1400 BC… or maybe even 2000 BC.  In fact, the whole America’s Stonehenge area comes complete (as any good archaeological site worth whatever salt is buried there should) with an astrological tour. That’s right—there are stones that line up with stuff in the sky (sort of) scattered around the grounds. The problem is, apparently the earth has obligity (though we think this is not a word) that keeps changing. (Although perhaps this change only happens in the area of America’s Stonehenge, because other very very old sites—like Newgrange in Ireland—still seem to have the sun showing in the same spot at the same time that it’s supposed to). Because of the special obligity instability in the America’s Stonehenge area, alack, the Winter Solstice Sunset Monolith no longer quite lines up with the Winter Solstice Sunset, and the Summer Solstice Sunrise Stone is also off just a bit… But, happily, the November 1st Stone seems to still line up with November 1st, which, as the FACT says is "a date very important in many ancient calendars."

Feeling a little guilty for brazenly ignoring November 1st?  I typically celebrate November first hung over and still dressed like Catwoman (or at least this year).

Closet Space
Whoever the crazy architects of this site, who completely forgot about the changes that the earth’s obligity was likely to undergo, were, we know that they really, really valued closet space. In fact, no less than five of the descriptions of structures in the FACT mention either closets or storage space. Perhaps a sort of Stacking of the Sacrificial Skulls ceremony of the tortured? Or, perhaps many of the Monks/Pattees were gay and not quite out and proud?

Gardening Tips
OK, I kinda lied about this one—the only gardening thing I really learned was that lilacs were planted at some point in time, and maybe by Mrs. Pattee (or maybe to brighten up the human sacrifice area?  An offering of decorative lilac-covered throw pillows is always appreciated).

Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria!
OK, this is just an obscure Ghostbuster’s reference.  No link between America’s Stonehenge and Bill Murray has been found, but the truth is out there.

As you can tell, America’s Stonehenge is worth braving a state filled with people willing to die if they can’t live free. As the FACT so succinctly puts it: "A massive amount of labor was involved here, no matter what the purpose."

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