Semi-Unified Conspiracy Theories

The Crank

There’s a lot going on today and with our media tanking it’s time we learned the truth! Conspiracy theories are rampant, yet what are we to make of the Age of Misinformation? The Daily Discord has paid me handsomely to get to the bottom of several of the leading stories of our time. I, The Crank, found most of the loose strings of a generation and tied them into a nice little bow. On that note, I could really use that case of Coca Cola now, Mr. Winslow. It would be better for everyone if it arrived soon…

It wasn’t planes that brought down the W.T.C. on 9/11, it was Rodan and Mothra. Fracking woke them from their subterranean slumber and now they’re pissed. Only good thing…at least now they’re heading toward Japan.

Bush is the space alien from area 51, and, yes, it IS all his fault. He is not in Texas, as they would have us believe. No one can “clear brush” for that long. He was called back to the Klingon Home World to answer for a failed mission. Just when exactly WAS the last time anyone has seen him?

Atlantis was located off the coast of New Jersey, and it was the largest landfill on Earth. It collapsed under the weight of untold tons of ancient shit. The whole Atlantis theory was an epic sewage fail cover-up by the prehistory Mafia. Even Plato alludes to the fact they built it with substandard rocks.

Justin Beiber is the next Anti-Christ and can only be beaten at the Apocalypse by a shirtless William Shatner. (Who has actually beaten Genghis Khan, Napoleon and Hitler in past Apocalypses, also shirtless)

If you play any Joe Walsh song backwards, it makes perfect sense.

The Most Interesting Man In The World is, in fact, Jewish. (Stay tzameh my friends?) Dos XX was originally called He-Brew.

The Etrade Babies are real!! They actually run Wall Street from tiny offices inside the Bull statue’s testicles…which is somehow fitting.

People who die while filming themselves for ‘Jackass’ all come back as MSNBC employees.

John Boehner is a pothead. Look carefully at him next time. Red, moist eyes, heavy lids, slurred speech, hyper emotional. Oh, and he was last sighted entering a secret area beneath the Capital steps with a copy of the Affordable Care Act, a half eaten bag of potato chips, and a rather large doobie. Much laughter/coughing heard later.

Mohammed reincarnated back as Barney Frank. Paybacks are a beeoch. (Fatwah anyone?)

Ronnie James Dio was an Italian Leprechaun. His rainbow ended at a Pot ‘o’ Sauce.

Donald Trump’s hair is actually a portal to an alternate universe where corporations run everything. Oh, wait, that’s here….

Bigfoot killed Kennedy because he “knew too much.” The grassy knoll was some type of forest sprite that took the rap.

Rupert Murdoch is actually a Ferengi after ear reduction surgery. (Think about it…)

Ozzy Osborne sold his soul to the Devil. It was returned for a manufacturer’s defect. When he does reach and remain indefinitely in purgatory…well, that could make one hell of a reality television show.

Hidden in the Affordable Care Act is a new law making use of the term ‘epic fail’ taxable.

Zombies ARE real. “Attention shoppers and welcome to Wal Mart”

The Supreme Court Justices are naked under their robes, and have secret ties to Grounds Keeper Willy. That’s why they never smile. All except Justice Thomas. He smiles. He has reason to smile.

Primus makes music that has subliminal messages in it that make you dance like an idiot. Try it. You start out looking all cool, then within seconds your arms are flapping and your knees are bowing and you are clucking like a chicken. The military is currently trying to weaponize this technology.

I hope this clears some things up.

The Crank

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