Burger King: Just Out of Touch with America or Socialist Cheese Oppressing Nazis?

Burger King: Just Out of Touch with America or Socialist Cheese Oppressing Nazis?
Mick Zano

Nowhere, AZ—Why does Burger King continue their clueless tradition of leaving off the cheese, unless requested, on any of their products?  If this sick and twisted tradition is allowed to continue, the Swiss will surely hit the fan.  I rarely partake in the fast food experience and when I do it is deemed a ‘relapse’ because I have sworn off the stuff several years ago.  But yesterday I drove my sister to Burger King because most everything else in town had closed.  She ordered the sliders for herself and we went on our merry way.  Fifteen minutes later, however, she found herself cheese-less in Arizona. 

In the last fifteen years I hit Burger King only a few times, and each transgression into transfatsylvania has resulted in the same cheese ordering dilemma.  Several years between stops and I invariably forget this sick custom, because the default-order for the rest of America is cheese please.

At Pizza Slut I can get cheese on my pizza and in the crust, at Taco Smell I can get cheese in the Gordita and melted into the taco shell.  And don’t even get me started on Chucky Sleazes. What isn’t the King getting here?  This has been their tradition for over fifty-years.  I like to think when I screw up something, that I would posses the wherewithal to correct the error within a half a century.

What argument could Burger King possibly have for leaving cheese out of the equation?  Are they trying to save us some calories?  If someone is going to Burger King and ordering a Whopper, they have already shifted from the Atkins Diet to the Fatkins Diet.  If you’re throwing care into the wind and ordering a five million calorie sandwich for lunch, who gives a shit about a slice of frigging cheese?

Where are the People for the Ethical Treatment of Cheese on this topic?  How much is the Burger Czar paying them off?  Have it your way?  More like, have it Mao’s way!

Over the course of my life, I have been to countless BBQs and cheese slices adorn the American hamburger from sea to shining sea.  I would say the hamburger is losing to the cheeseburger by a margin of five-to-one at my BBQs.  Sooooo, what compelled the cheese food Nazis to ignore the mandate of the masses?  The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the bun.  It’s like opening up the PB&J Hut and going jelly free.  It’s unconscionable!  It’s un-American…it will lead to socialism!  How will it lead to socialism, you ask?  Well, everything leads to socialism according to Fox News, so I’m sure there’s a connection.  After all, what could be more American than American cheese?  Wasn’t Monterey Jack considered for the sixth visage on Mt. Rushmore?  Isn’t string cheese theory unraveling the very mysteries of the universe itself?   

I don’t get it…even the Eat Cheese or Die state of Wisconsin is strangely silent on this topic.  Have they gotten to all of you?!  Is the Burger Czar putting pods under your beds at night that absorb your minds?  Well, that would explain The View

It’s an outrage.  

V for Velveeta!

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a few cans of spray cheese for my next Burger King protest-mural.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.