Flagstaff, AZ (aka, Poverty with a View)—Most people in America and the majority of the rest of the world are striving to be rich, but they’re overlooking the truly wonderful advantages of being flat broke. For instance, you will have more free time because your schedule will not be bogged down with things like trips, vacations, shopping, or eating. Things like gaining too much weight—no problem. And no one will ever asks you to borrow money! Hell, they won’t even ask you to babysit for fear you might eat their children.
For instance, Mick Zano never said, “It’s your turn to buy a round, Bone.” It’s never happened.
But how can one become poor quickly, Mr. Bone?
Great question. It’s as if I’m actually asking the question only in italics form. Sure, anyone can become addicted to meth and have their life go down the shitter in a few weeks, but then you end up needing money to support that pesky habit, not to mention the dental work. Some people are purists and when they go broke they want to make sure they do it right. For these individuals, I have written the first in my ninety book series on how to go broke in ten easy steps—without spending a dime!
Sounds good so far, Mr. Bone! Go on.
Step one: Get into as much debt as possible for about a year or so. Hell, you might as well have one last hoorah, right?
Step Two: Stop paying your phone bill. Why bother having a phone at all? You will soon be losing all of your friends, and family anyway, and why talk to creditors? It’s not like they’re pleasant.
Step Three: Consider letting your other bills lapse as well and since you won’t have money for cable or new books to read, electricity of any kind seems superfluous.
Step Four: Remember, if you are this poor, your chances of finding a mate are pretty slim, but again, think of all the extra time and money that will save on the dating process! It’s time to find a new hobby anyway, like drinking.
Step Five: You need to be productive with all of this newfound free time. You don’t want to get drunk and just stare at a tree. Although, I do know some people who enjoy that. So why not build your own shelter?! Just because you are broke it doesn’t mean you have to be one of those losers living in a box. You are not a loser! You are just a nearly penniless, single person without friends, family, or acquaintances. Some pallet wood is a good place to start then sell the last of your possessions to buy rechargeable power tools. You can always charge them up in the library (a place where all those saps that still pay taxes frequent).
Step Six: Start stealing as much as possible. I am not talking about shoplifting as much as grabbing crap that is one degree from being thrown away. Look for things dumped in alleys and behind businesses. Or you can start a hobby, like collecting condiment packets. They also double as comfortable pillow stuffers too. Just be careful, if one breaks as it can be a bad scene. My boxmate wrongly called 911 one night, which can get expensive.
Step Seven: Now that you have a comfy little place, make sure you have a wood stove and then start burning anything you can get your hands on. Hair, magnets, family photos, murder victims. Nothing should be too good to spare from the privilege of keeping you warm at night. A simple truck tire can keep a family warm long enough for them to develop cancer.
Step Eight: Get a sidekick. It might be hard to believe after looking at yourself in the rest room mirror of the gas station, but there is always someone worse off. Just find this mega-loser and make him or her your servant. Hell, you worked hard to get where you are, no need to bother yourself with the day to day details like scraping your burning socks off the wood stove or cleaning last night’s puke off your moldy wall to wall egg cartoon carpet.
Okay, now I have a place to live and more free time than ever, so what now?
Step Nine: Great question. It’s time to start shopping for an enabler. Yep, I know it’s hard to believe, but there are plenty of codependent people out there who are so insecure with themselves that they might even be willing to date a scary creep like you. Let them pay for everything. Hell, you could even get a warm shower after a bout of sympathy sex. Warning: Breaking up with homeless people can be a great blow to their self-esteem and that’s what makes it so hilarious.
Step Ten: Now, you are ready, finally ready, to get a job writing for The Daily Discord, because you know that is how I got my start and look where I am today! And every Christmas Mr. Winslow sends us all these pen sets that turn out to be pencils. What could be cooler than that? So I’ll see you at the stinky section of the library’s internet desks.
Now go buy my book! But not too many of you at once. I don’t want to have to buy Zano a beer.