New York, NY—Midtown Manhattan was once again ablaze with gunfire as several police offers opened fire on pedestrians today outside of the Empire State Building. NYPD is claiming the tragedy started out as a mock reenactment of the recent shooting on August 24th.
NYPD chief, Ray Kelly, told the press, “We don’t know why all of our officers had live ammunition. They were supposed to be fitted with blanks prior to the exercise. This time we were lucky. No one dealt a fatal blow to the officer playing the role of the gunman. Actually, he was never hit. And, thank God, the other 12-pedestrians suffered only minor injuries.”
When asked about the three critical injuries, Kelly said, “I have requested to only be briefed on the minor injuries, because I’m having a bad enough day already.”
When asked why one officer kept firing into the crowd at random for “what seemed an eternity” to witnesses, Kelly said, “There’s always going to be one guy who really gets caught up in the moment and keeps mowing down innocents until someone taps him on the shoulder and brings him back to reality. Luckily, my guys can’t shoot for shit. We can only hope we shot some assholes today. There are, in fact, a lot of assholes in New York, so, statistically speaking, we probably shot some today.”
NYPD is postponing their 9/11 reenactment and their 64 Harlem Riots reenactment, pending a full investigation.
“Well, we might go ahead with the riot,” said Kelly. “It’s Harlem, lot of assholes out there.”