The latest Discord poll indicates Donald Trump has jumped to a 12 point lead with lab chimps and other primates. Republicans may not believe in evolution, but Trump plans to ride this wave of primate support all the way to the White House. Zoologist Dian Fossey is disturbed by these numbers, “I lived with a family of gorillas in the mist and I really thought I understood them. Now I feel it was all a lie and maybe we should go with my first idea to just process them for their ivory.” When explained she is likely thinking of elephants and rhinos, she said, “I thought Rinos were Republican In Name Only? Very little ivory in those.”

Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “Trump is also polling well with sea arthropods, echinoderms, and phytoplankton. There are roughly 60 million invertebrate marine species in our oceans. If the R.N.C can get these votes to count in November, Trump will walk away with this election, even if his invertebrate friends obviously can’t.”