Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently left my Shaman, whom I have been discipling with for over ten years, because she could not adequately explain enlightenment. I am now looking for a new Raboni, and was hoping that you could help. My previous Shaman had a profound analogy for the path to enlightenment. She would say “Walking the path to enlightenment is like holding a mad, snarling, rabid wolf by the ears. You don’t like it, it is difficult, it is frightening, and it is uncomfortable, but you don’t dare let it go.” I asked what in this story is analogous to achieving enlightenment, the death of the wolf? Or are we forever trapped in this uncomfortable situation? She could not answer. Can you help me?

Mauled Forearms,

Onandaga, NY

Dear Mauled Forearms,

Wow, the path to enlightenment is very similar to dating me! What’s with you people and wolves lately, anyway? Sure, I’ll be your big Raboni, which I believe is a sausage risotto dish.  I think you’re missing out on the fun parts of enlightenment, like orgies.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Enlightenment isn’t some finite end point.  It’s not something you reach, pop open a beer, and bask in one long orgasmic satori.  Where would the fun be in that? Now, having found out the truth, isn’t my orgy sounding better?