Having the establishment try to pull its head out of its own ass isn’t pretty. It’s kind of like watching Wolverine put in a contact lens, drunk. Liberals are now on the warpath and tearing up Trump rallies. Hopefully riot injuries are covered under Obamacare. Whereas I can’t condone this behavior, the score is still not “even”. Republicans have a problem with comparisons. If our worst behaved liberal citizens are on par with your presidential nominations, you’re still on the short end of the schtick. To put this into war terminology, I tend to point out the horrible actions of General Ass-Clown, while conservatives tend to highlight the behaviors of Cannon Fodder Fred. The intentions of some poorly behaved hoodlums in Chicago do not trump Trump, or any of your other not-ready-for-prime-time candidates. If libs nominated one of the violent rally hoodlums for the position of President, then it would be even. We creep what we sow. So stop planting Trumpquats!
Glenn Beck Headquarters—Deep in the heart of an undisclosed Denny’s, Glenn Beck and the rest of the League of Extra Ordinary Gentlemen assembled in a last ditch effort to save the Republican party. The Discord’s own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, was able to gain entrance to this clandestine group before the breakfast specials ended. Glenn Beck called for order by banging a ketchup bottle on the end of the table before addressing a small booth filled with Governor Rick Perry, the late Mathew Breitbart, and either ZZ-Top or three of the members of Duck Dynasty. Some had pitchforks others held lit torches. The waitress was pissed. This secret Ted-Cruz-admiration-society vowed to do everything in its power to keep the current GOP frontrunner from becoming the nominee. Shouts of “kill the monster!” abounded.
This week David Corn over at Mother Jones wrote an article explaining the inexplicable rise of Donald Trump. I wrote a suspiciously similar article, prior to Trump’s emergence, last August. I find The Donald’s popularity with the republican base quite explicable. It’s not the similar image that irks me so much as the similar content. I saw this shit coming a vile away. I love you Dave, but you have two choices: hire me at Mother Jones, or expect a call from a Mr. Goldberg of Goldberg, Goldberg & Cohen. What’s really inexplicable is how spoof news folks continue to outshine our more traditional journalists. Mother Jones is welcome to join the Daily Discord. With your skills and my prognostication prowess, I’m sure Mother Discord will become a beacon of clarity in these dark times. Thus Spake Zanothustra?
The Vatican—The Pope is firing back at Donald Trump today. After his last attack on The Donald, the Pope’s global approval rating dropped 15 points, but he remains very critical of some of the current republican frontrunner’s policies. The Vatican encouraged His Holiness to come out swinging in the face of this controversy. Mr. Trump responded to the criticism that “he is not a true Christian” by saying, “Who is more Christian than me? The meek love me; they love me. Remember the trials of Joab? Yeah, if I were President he would have had a Joab and he wouldn’t have had to hang out inside a friggin’ fish all day. Teach a man to fish and I have some casino charter boats to show him.” In related news, the staffer who attempted to correct The Donald on his biblical prowess is currently Joab hunting.
I’m not changing the Constitution, Pokey! I just added the beer mugs. The Founding Fathers would eat that shit up, or in this case drink. Thursday’s Dem debate showed two conscientious people who understand the intricacies of today’s problems. They offered real strategies, solutions, specifics and even the historical context behind each issue. Republicans, meanwhile, sound like no one studied for the middle school debate final. I think if you asked them to define Glass-Steagall, they’d say, “Isn’t that the department store across from Macy’s?” They have a few prepared talking points—rehearsed in front of a mirror with an air guitar, no doubt—and then they insert these gems randomly into the discourse. It’s like listening to someone with Tourette’s contract encephalitis during a brain fart.
“Sure some things are ideologically driven on the left, but EVERYTHING is ideologically driven on the right, and when I say driven, I’m talking Captain Ahab with roid rage. And what is the result? The Republican candidates’ domestic policies are incomprehensible and their foreign policies are unconscionable.”
This is a response to the article: It’s The Constitution, Zano, Not Your Articles Of Degeneration.
Tampa Bay, FL—Clint Eastwood’s chair is once again making a bit of a stir on the campaign trail. The chair, best known for its appearance during the 2012 Republican National Convention, told reporters it has received several calls from Republican frontrunners regarding the possibility of joining their ticket. The chair was pivotal in helping Clint Eastwood help Mitt Romney lose the 2012 general election. Since its controversial debut in Tampa Bay, the chair fell out of the spotlight. It eventually ended up in a rundown apartment in Sarasota where the chair spent the last few years as a recluse. It was rarely seen in public unless more than three guests arrived for meals or card games.
Early in the 21st century, Republicans decided to untether themselves from reality, or more accurately, someone decide for them. Fox = news and morality = pews so no critical thinking necessary. How do they continue to gain seats with this record? Amidst the Age of Information, how have they dragged such a large faction of our country into delusion? Bill Maher recently asked, “did this crazy base always exist or have their numbers swelled through Fixed News and the like?” I think it’s a little of both. We all know someone who still says: had we only used bigger bombs in ‘Nam, or if we’d only kept those “gains” from The Surge in Iraq, or if we’d only ignored Watergate and left Nixon alone …so he could focus on Benghazi.