Las Vegas, NV—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, believes Ancient Veganitians built the 15-story casino hotel for the sole purpose of human sacrifice. Using astronomical and archeological techniques, Dr. Hogbein has dated the massive Las Vegas structure to early 1991—more specifically, construction began between Nirvana’s music video Smells Like Teen Spirit and Weird Al Yankovich’s video spoof of Nirvana’s work, Smells Like Nirvana.
With only a ladder to aid him, Dr. Hogbein attempted to decipher the ancient obelisk that stands before the mighty structure. However, his efforts were soon thwarted by hotel security, who immediately escorted him off the premises.
Dr. Hogbein claims, “Hundreds of thousands of victims were sacrificed to the ‘Serpent of Chance’ (Gamblycoatl), as well as the ‘One Armed Bandits’ (Slottakayaloot).”
These ancient gamblers were repeatedly beaten with black jacks and spun on diabolical torture devices known as Roulette Wheels. Hogbein also posits that, despite their name, Veganitians were carnivores. By combing the entire sewer system under the ancient structure, Hogbein discovered a menu that apparently had meat listed on it.