New York, NY – Disney isn’t the only amusement park struggling these days. Six Flags headquarters has announced their plan to downsize all existing amusement parks by “at least two flags.” Great Adventure, located in Jackson, NJ, will be losing over 65% of its rides and will be renamed Pretty Good Adventure. Magic Mountain in California, having lost nearly all of its magic, will be renamed Muggle Mountain. The name was inspired by the non-magical folk of Harry Potter fame. Sadly, the R.K. Rowling lawsuit has forced the theme park into utter and complete bankruptcy.
“I knew we should have gone with Tragic Mountain,” said CEO of Six Flags, Jack Peters.
Peters went on to announce that Hurricane Harbor in Illinois will now be renamed Gale Force Wind World.
“You will still need to hold onto your hats, folks,” says Peters. “Just not as tightly.”
Peters’ dream of being cryogenically frozen alongside Walt Disney is slipping away faster than, as he put it, “a grease monkey on a log flume.” The distraught CEO is pleading for a bailout so that at least his own personal golden parachute ride might still function properly as he sails into early retirement.