How Many Republicans Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? None, They Don’t Believe In Change

admin-ajaxI’m furious with the mainstream media, but probably not for the same reasons you are. How dare they let republicans rewrite history? How do you let these blatant falsehoods go unchallenged on your “news” shows? Even our debate moderators seem asleep at the switch. During the last undercard round, Carly Fiorina implied Obama “fired all the good generals, like David Petraeus.” Everyone who follows politics knows why General Petraeus left the military. Everyone. I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with Lewinski.  

Why do we leave everything to the fact checkers the next day? Do your jobs! A high school student with access to Wikipedia could do better than you boobs. Kidding, high school students are only on Wikiporn. At least they’re staying abreast of the situation.

Today’s media is a tragedy. CNBC did a terrible job with their own debate moderating. It only served to add fuel to the republican fire. They led the witness and tried to expose the republican’s ignorance. Let the clowncar be the clowncar. Call them out. Truthiness is not truth. 

“People may have looked to Walter Cronkite for the truth, but they look to Limbaugh or O’Reilly for what Stephen Colbert so memorably called “truthiness.” It’s not a literal, factual truth so much as it is an emotional truth that resonates with you.”

Paul Waldman

This is the essence of my argument. Republicans constantly perseverate on their own emotional reactions to any given issue. Everyone does it, but they just do it better. It’s like those old BASF commercials. We don’t make the scheissgeist of our time, we just make it smellier. These arguments are not debates; they are emotionally driven diatribes devoid of any real substance. Conservatives really just have a feeling that blacky is up to something. Their evil base is wholly incapable of reasoning. The Deaf Star?

CNN’s aptly named, Don Lemon, annoyed the hell out of me last week. I mistakenly stopped on his show when my remote battery died between Finding Bigfoot and MILFy Madness. Kidding…well, about Finding Bigfoot. Amidst one of Lemon’s segments, covering The Donald v Bill Clinton, a blond talking-point guest said, “I would love to talk about policy instead of these scandals.” Then her pivot toward “policy” kind of makes Kim Jong-un seem well versed in the reality-arts. She basically said Obama created ISIS by leaving a vacuum in Iraq and is now ineffectually fighting them. For those of us who understand recent history, here’s a brief recap:

  1. Then Senator Barack Obama was against the invasion of Iraq.
  2. Toppling Saddam and disbanding the Iraqi army helped create ISIS (See: their generals).
  3. Obama’s troop withdrawal followed Bush’s Iraq Status of Forces Agreement.
  4. ISIS has a shit ton of our vehicles & weapons from Bush’s Operation: Suck & Stammer.
  5. We actually have a robust campaign against ISIS (which is why they’re losing).

No one on that panel questioned her attempt to rewrite history like The Joker in an art gallery. Dark Knight at the Museum? They just wanted to return to the important stuff, you know Predator V Illegal Alien. Blatantly false statements need to be called out, every time. Don’t just sit their, Mr. Lemon. In fact, call me if you need some Lemon-aid.

Essentially The GOP’s interpretation of everything is bullshit at this point, so just be ready for it. It’s not that hard; they only have about 20 talking points and they can only articulate about ten of them well. We all know MSNBC leans left and Fox leans right. So in some ways CNN is the worst offender. In an effort to appear impartial, they aren’t even engaging in the discussion any more. They let the republican talk and then they let the liberal talk. The old one, two. They’re not moderators, they’re MCs. Next up, kids, the dancing bear!

Here’s a related gem from last night’s debate:

“We know that recent global events have many people worried—Iran detaining American sailors, forcing them to apologize; North Korea and its nuclear ambitions; an aggressive China; and a Middle East that continues to deteriorate, not to mention ISIS is getting stronger.”


What?! And this was the moderator. Yesterday’s Iran v drifting military boat situation ended much faster than any similar situation in history.

Released unharmed in less than 24 hours = good

WWIII = bad

Again, time is displayed in numbers and they don’t believe in those anymore. Did you hear all the  saber-rattling from those brain dead chicken hawks? Essentially they all said a variation of this:

“Why didn’t the Iranians just help the armed Americans who drifted into Iranian territory? They should have fixed their motor boat and sent them on their way…with cookies.”

—John Q. Republican

I’m sure these republicans would have granted the same courtesy to a group of armed Iranians who drifted into New York Harbor. I find it amazing how they still think they have relevant points about stuff. They’re so cute when additional blood flow to their amygdalas is shutting down any higher cognitive processes. Kidding, they don’t have any of those.

Sure, Syria added to the vacuum that helped create ISIS, but if you’re making ISIS stew, Obama only added the carrots. Remember, Bush wanted to create this vacuum on our dime. Syria made Bush’s top 10 places I want to fuck up. I’m amazed he can name ten Middle Eastern countries in the first place. Obama essentially let the weight of the Arab Spring crash where it will. It’s not as if he had any choice. Republicans feel differently, because: 1. They suffer from an illusion of control, and 2. They have the unique ability to make rocks seem insightful. W. thought, post-Saddam, some Shiite Jefferson or some Sunni Washinington would rise up to pen the Iraqi Constitution …thought no sociologist ever. I almost expected Bush to hand out white wigs during the reconstruction.

I run out of ways to say this, but the scant aspects of republicana that actually do have merit have already been incorporated into my views (and most liberals’ views for that matter). How self-reliance and hard work somehow equate to a President Trump is beyond me. As they say in Beantown, you cant get there from here.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.