Creepy Evangelical Snake Oil Salesman GOP’s Last Hope Of Defeating Megalomaniacal Ass-Clown

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Glenn Beck Headquarters—Deep in the heart of an undisclosed Denny’s, Glenn Beck and the rest of the League of Extra Ordinary Gentlemen assembled in a last ditch effort to save the Republican party. The Discord’s own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, was able to gain entrance to this clandestine group before the breakfast specials ended. Glenn Beck called for order by banging a ketchup bottle on the end of the table before addressing a small booth filled with Governor Rick Perry, the late Mathew Breitbart, and either ZZ-Top or three of the members of Duck Dynasty. Some had pitchforks others held lit torches. The waitress was pissed. This secret Ted-Cruz-admiration-society vowed to do everything in its power to keep the current GOP frontrunner from becoming the nominee. Shouts of “kill the monster!” abounded.

To start the proceedings Mr. Beck held up a waffle meaningfully in the air, passed it around the table, and then made everyone don the aluminum foil hats. Beck explained, “The waffle symbolizes the Waffle of Christ and the hats are the only thing that can block out the signals MSNBC is transmitting directly into my brain. I keep hearing Rachel Maddow calling me a fruit loop…over and over again. It’s kind of a fruity audio loop, which I don’t think is a coincidence.”

Mr. Beck then asked for approval of the last meeting’s minutes, scrawled in black eyeliner on a napkin dotted with his tears, before saying, “I prayed to the Lord last night and prayers were answered. He said we are all Better of Ted. Get it? Better off Ted? God says he has a million of them. Oh, so with the last of my credit I ordered ten thousand buttons with that logo. Of course, if Cruz doesn’t win the nomination God warned he’s going old school on our asses, Sodom and Gomorra style.”

Many questions remain. In the above picture, why is Ted Cruz attacking Frankentrump with a cross? Is this Photoshopped image proof that your choice for president is unfamiliar with the horror genre? What next, firing silver bullets on ghosts, head shots for vampires, holy water on Sharknados? Perhaps more importantly, can these be worked in to existing Denny specials?

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  2 comments for “Creepy Evangelical Snake Oil Salesman GOP’s Last Hope Of Defeating Megalomaniacal Ass-Clown

  1. Richard Tibbitts
    April 9, 2018 at 10:05 AM

    Although this post has been around for the better part of two years, I just noticed it this morning after being awake since four am. What that has to do with anything political is immaterial, except that I probably wouldn’t have come across this website if I hadn’t been online for several hours to pass the time. And I’m glad that was the case, because suddenly I feel much better!

    The illustration was hilarious, and the headline was brilliant. However, some people might question Mr. Zano’s credentials as a satirist, given that his description of the gentlemen thus portrayed is actually not such an exaggeration after all. It’s more like reporting the news.

    I loved it! Keep up the good work.

    • Mick Zano
      April 9, 2018 at 6:42 PM

      Thanks, Richard! Everyone has always questioned my credentials, and rightly so.

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