Glenn Beck Headquarters—Deep in the heart of an undisclosed Denny’s, Glenn Beck and the rest of the League of Extra Ordinary Gentlemen assembled in a last ditch effort to save the Republican party. The Discord’s own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, was able to gain entrance to this clandestine group before the breakfast specials ended. Glenn Beck called for order by banging a ketchup bottle on the end of the table before addressing a small booth filled with Governor Rick Perry, the late Mathew Breitbart, and either ZZ-Top or three of the members of Duck Dynasty. Some had pitchforks others held lit torches. The waitress was pissed. This secret Ted-Cruz-admiration-society vowed to do everything in its power to keep the current GOP frontrunner from becoming the nominee. Shouts of “kill the monster!” abounded.
To start the proceedings Mr. Beck held up a waffle meaningfully in the air, passed it around the table, and then made everyone don the aluminum foil hats. Beck explained, “The waffle symbolizes the Waffle of Christ and the hats are the only thing that can block out the signals MSNBC is transmitting directly into my brain. I keep hearing Rachel Maddow calling me a fruit loop…over and over again. It’s kind of a fruity audio loop, which I don’t think is a coincidence.”
Mr. Beck then asked for approval of the last meeting’s minutes, scrawled in black eyeliner on a napkin dotted with his tears, before saying, “I prayed to the Lord last night and prayers were answered. He said we are all Better of Ted. Get it? Better off Ted? God says he has a million of them. Oh, so with the last of my credit I ordered ten thousand buttons with that logo. Of course, if Cruz doesn’t win the nomination God warned he’s going old school on our asses, Sodom and Gomorra style.”
Many questions remain. In the above picture, why is Ted Cruz attacking Frankentrump with a cross? Is this Photoshopped image proof that your choice for president is unfamiliar with the horror genre? What next, firing silver bullets on ghosts, head shots for vampires, holy water on Sharknados? Perhaps more importantly, can these be worked in to existing Denny specials?