We The Discord, In Order To Form A More Perfect Onion

constitutionzanonMLI’m not changing the Constitution, Pokey! I just added the beer mugs. The Founding Fathers would eat that shit up, or in this case drink. Thursday’s Dem debate showed two conscientious people who understand the intricacies of today’s problems. They offered real strategies, solutions, specifics and even the historical context behind each issue. Republicans, meanwhile, sound like no one studied for the middle school debate final. I think if you asked them to define Glass-Steagall, they’d say, “Isn’t that the department store across from Macy’s?” They have a few prepared talking points—rehearsed in front of a mirror with an air guitar, no doubt—and then they insert these gems randomly into the discourse. It’s like listening to someone with Tourette’s contract encephalitis during a brain fart.

“Sure some things are ideologically driven on the left, but EVERYTHING is ideologically driven on the right, and when I say driven, I’m talking Captain Ahab with roid rage. And what is the result? The Republican candidates’ domestic policies are incomprehensible and their foreign policies are unconscionable.”

This is a response to the article: It’s The Constitution, Zano, Not Your Articles Of Degeneration.

First off, Pokey, the Dems have not chosen Hillary, it’s neck and neck. Second, the Republicans are not choosing between candidates so much as waiting to see who survives the Stooge Hunger Games. I must admit, Megyn did a great job for the last debate, but oh how quickly your team tends to stray from the moderator’s questions. This process actually ends the next day, when those aforementioned Tourretted memes promptly break the fact-o-meters. This happens the next morning like clockwork (orange?). If truth matters to you so much, Pokey, why don’t truth-o-meters? Blessed are the fact checkers?

You said in your last article:

“I’m unhappy with the Republicans, because they increasingly support Democratic policies.”

—Pokey McDooris

Were this Cheers, this would be the part when Frazier looks over to Cliff and asks, “What color is the sky in your world?” Or Vizzini would be saying “Inconceivable”, or Gary Coleman would be asking, “What are you talking about, Willis?”

This chart tracks the ideological drift of both parties for the last 150 years or so. There is little argument that Republicans tracked ideological much sooner and much harder than their counterparts. Of course, I don’t need this chart to know it’s true, I’ve been covering this Sheissgeist for many years.

I love this chart, but why is the R line blue and the Dem line red?

I love this chart, but why is the R line blue and the Dem line red?

 

Were this to continue, yes, you would see a liberal drift between 2011 and 2016. I predicted this reaction to Hannity’s ‘Murica. Similarly, Fox News tracked right long before MSNBC was even a thrill running up Chris Mathew’s leg. Of course the left wing media is starting to suck, as Tolle has warned, “If you fight madness, you end up mad. If you fight unconsciousness, you end up unconscious.” That’s all I’ve been doing here on The Discord, getting sucked into the sickness one bad pun at a time.

I debate you as if you’re a fundamental caricature, Pokey, because in your article you praise someone who is—more importantly, you would vote for someone who is. Ted Cruz makes a snake oil salesman seem like Ward Cleaver. So do I really care about your views? Not if the end result is a President Cruz. These issues are trumped by your willingness to vote for Trump. Whereas over the years I have seen things coming, you can’t even see things going. Is that the Dopeler Effect or the Theory of Irrelativity?

I am 99% sure a Republican president would bring about a 2nd and final collapse. Don’t you want your credit cards to work? Do you like zombie apocalypses? They would accomplish this import feat either through another avoidable war or an austerity-heavy economic shit show (probably a combination of both). The Bush Doctrine? I was doing stand up during the 5th Republican debate. I scolded everyone for missing it and then said, kidding, you’re only going to hear one word about foreign policy. Can you guess which? Someone eventually guessed it: BOMBS. Of course, that’s all I saw the next day in the papers. Slate’s coverage here. Speaking of bombing, that wasn’t a great night for me. Note to self: too early for Bowie jokes, too early for Bowie jokes.

Now, onward to the show!

Here’s Pokey’s list of ginormous problems from his last feature, here.

  1. The Federal government owns more land than the Constitution allows.
  2. Over Regulation
  3. Federal Debt.
  4. Obamacare.
  5. Lack of transparency.
  6. Federal Courts legislate progressive social policies.

And here’s my list of growing fears from a very old post, here.

  1. The Patriot Act (which led to unregulated drone strikes, The NSA, The Associated Press scandals)
  2. Our ever growing deficit and the endless imaginary money being pumped into the economy
  3. Our inability/incompetence to move to greener energies [Kermit joke omitted by the editor]
  4. The War in Iraq (more importantly all future chicken hawk/neo-conic ventures. Can you say WWIII?)
  5. The impact of Global Warming, mass extinctions, and our dying oceans
  6. Out of control healthcare and college tuition costs (finally one is being glitchily addressed)
  7. The disparity of wealth (all wealth shifting to about six people)
  8. Population growth and the genetically modified moguls who will feed us (all hail, Monsanto!)

 

Where We Agree:

We both agree the growing deficit is a problem. I’ve said this before, Democratic presidents have historically either lowered over all deficits or at least restored deficit growth as a percentage of GDP. Republican presidents tend to do neither, at least in my adult lifetime.

Suffice to say I agree with your #5, especially the NSA part. This is the biggest single difference between Senator Obama and President Obama. I have always applauded the work of Glenn Greenwald on this matter. Again, I was against the Patriot Act (the thing that made all this legal) from the beginning. Funny how Patriotic Pokey fails to mention this part. Regardless, this is a big deal that deserves all of our attention. The next president of either stripe is likely to expand these over reaches even further.

Your #1 is interesting and many conspiracies surround this federal land grab. Suffice to say the federal government knows shit is about to get real and is preparing for a number of less than pleasant contingencies. Shit’s tanking while your candidates are trying to Make America Grate again.

[Glenn Beck chalkboard joke removed by the editor]

Where We Don’t Agree:

As for #2…uh, you’re stepping in it, Pokey. I don’t think the people of Flint feel over-regulated. Doing away with the EPA and the FDA is absurd as our diets consist more and more of pesticides and heavy metals. Lead Zeppelin? Feces Fries? Oh, and did you ever realize you’re trying to bring down deficits while laying off IRS workers? …you know, the people who collect the money to bring down the deficits? Got Math?

Your #6: Sorry, but an expansion of human rights is not what keeps me up at night. I don’t think the Founding Fathers had gay marriage in their sights, although Franklin and Jefferson were a little too chummy at certain treaty ratification parties. You know they wore powdered wigs, right? The Fabulous Fathers?

Your #4 is Obamacare? Was it the death panels that helped this make the cut? I admit we need a little less Obamacare and a little more Berniecare. These half measures are often fraught with problems. Our healthcare system is still very broken. We need to move to a single payer, because I deal with insurance companies every day. Have you? Call on line two, Mr. Pokey, a Mr. Shkreli would like to talk to you about your 3,000 dollar copay.

Entrepreneurialism, you’re doing it wrong. And, of course, you miss the main problems of our time. Climate change, mass extinctions, dying oceans and the immediate need to shift from fossil fuels to alternative energies and sustainable communities. Funny how you skip the whole we might all die thing. Why is that? Have you already received your golden ticket to the rapture? Pssst, return the everlasting gobstopper and you can win the whole chocolate factory!

I realize you were putting your problems through the scope of The Constitution, which is the reason for some of our differences. I just marvel at the blind spots. Sure some things are ideologically driven on the left, but EVERYTHING is ideologically driven on the right. And when I say driven, I’m talking Captain Ahab with roid rage. And what is the result? The Republican candidates’ domestic policies are incomprehensible and their foreign policies are unconscionable. This is your answer? Vote in delusional people because they mention the Constitution more? Sorry, Poke, I’ll stick with my Articles of Degeneration. Blessed is the lesbian porn.

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