Washington, DC—The White House believes it has obtained solid intelligence indicating that the Pope is spying on God. These revelations come on the heels of allegations that the U.S. is now spying on the Pope. “Yes, we are spying on His Holiness,” said President Obama, “but only because we have evidence that points directly to his wrongdoings. If Pope Francis is listening to God’s deepest thoughts and wishes, without his consent, it is a breach of trust unparalleled in human history.”

The White House maintains that communicating with God when he is aware is standard Papal operating procedure (SPOP). According to recorded NSA conversations, however, this new Pope is listening in without God’s consent.

Do God’s latest revelations merit another tablet? “DID YOU SEE THAT LAST COLBERT TWEET? ROTFLMAO” and, “I’M NOT GOING BACK TO THE BLOODY SAFEWAY TODAY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? I’M GOD?” and finally, “IF I HAVE TO ATTEND ONE MORE TEA PARTY MEETUP GROUP, I SWEAR I’LL GO ALL SODOM-AND-GOMORRHA ON THEIR ASSES.”

President Obama added, “It is imperative we know when the 2^nd coming is coming. Homeland Security is not going to stand idly by as a sizable percentage of our citizens up and vanish. And the rapture is expected to negatively impact ten times more Democratic districts. Dems could lose the Senate and the White House, not to mention the cost associated with locust pest control.”