To all of my loyal fans and admirers (both of you), I must first apologize for this out-of-character article. I know you have all come to expect only the highest level of journalism from me, with deep intellectual reflection and that gritty reporting that exposes the deepest darkest secrets this world has to hide (like Zano). This article, however, is clearly more of a Crank-style rant. I am reporting the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Xavier Winslow to Adult Protective Services for his ongoing abuses to contributors, editors, fans, and puppies.
My Discord this day lies with the Daily Discord. Four score and seven beers ago a few dedicated souls brought forth onto this earth a new internet site–an internet site of the people, by the people, and for the people. This ezine represented the manifestation of some of the greatest minds one small University in central Pennsylvania could corrupt…that site was the Daily Discord. Its mission was noble, its goals lofty, and we even hoped for a few bucks to buy some beer at our annual convention, held in the dark forests of PA where Thunderbirds, Big Hoots, and the Owl people still thrive. That dream, my friends, has been dashed. There is a dark and evil side of this force, call him an “edictator,” if you will. Pierce Winslow, my friend, it is you! I slave over long lunch hours to compile intellectual content and mild comedy for my dedicated audience numbering into the whole integers, and what do I get in return? “Discord puts freeze on adolescent humor!”, “Discord bans all acronym jokes!”, “Discord Declares War on Coney Island!” (that last one is unconfirmed). Edictatorial modifications to my masterpieces rivaling a C- on some young child’s Red Rider BB gun Theme paper! I have had more articles rejected or butchered at the hands of this monster than I can count on two hands! I wouldn’t be surprised if Winslow just injected some nonsensical sentence into my work about my Fascination with Dolls’ Clothing. May I mombo dog face to the bannana patch? Then Zano will probably turn it into some lousy acronym joke (FDC). Then Winslow will censor it.
[Bit censored by Winslow]
The once noble mission of the Daily Discord has been tainted, corrupted, and destroyed almost single-handedly by our edictator! Like that “Master Blaster” abomination in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, Winslow sits atop his beast of a webpage and issues embargos, spews insults, and tears into the work of geniuses (and my work, too!). I throw my skunky beer at you, silly edictator-king, who was afraid of a Crank, you know!
To top it all off, I PAY FOR THIS ABUSE!!! Can you believe it?! It costs me money to submit articles to the Discord! Winslow is probably putting together his annual invoice as we speak! And what is the result of all this? You, my faithful audience, suffer. Censorship, at its worst. Why I wouldn’t be surprised if Winslow cuts the next part of this article outright—
[Section deemed not appropriate for some readers]
I ask you, my faithful audience, does “Discord Freezes” and “Discord Bans” and mountains of foul language drivel provide a higher entertainment value than breaking “West Nile Virus” conspiracy news and cutting edge global climate change news? Express your opinion! (I must admit the Ghetto Shaman is pretty damned funny, when he’s sober). Let the Discord know that L. Wolfe is a key contributor! I want to be upgraded from bubkis to peanuts, dammit! Heck, there isn’t even any beer money for our annual convention this year—not to mention peanuts. What happened to the old days of the Havoc’s Free Beer and Peanuts?
I’m not afraid of you Winslow. I will no longer live in fear and darkness! Er, you have agreed to put a window in our Discord writer’s dungeon, right? Release the hounds, release the flying monkeys, release the Cranken for all I care! (The Crank lives under the sea and may be responsible for eating several women tied to rocks). I for one am sick of being the Smithers to your Montgomery Burns, the Bob Crachett to your Mr. Scrooge, the Sonny to your Cher (but don’t lose the little black dress).
[Zano lost this part]
I ask you to write your congressmen or at least your local postman, and demand better service! Ask that more L. Wolfe articles be published (Winslow probably has a dozen in his recycle bin; actually he’s an Apple man, so I don’t know what they actually call it). Stand up for my rights! Help a fellow American down on his luck, at least send beer money! I am holding a P-Party to show my disdain for Pierce on 3/27 in Searchlight, NV. Tons of disgruntled people plan to attend. I may even get Sarah Palin to be my keynote speaker. Everyone else declined.
[Paragraph marked as Spam and deleted]
Oh, and Pierce, I have made the edits to that article you requested, and the check’s in the mail. See you at the convention. I’ll bring the Giant Risk board! Should we have a sacrifice to the Owl People this year? Maybe the Ghetto Shaman can keep them at bay with his Mayan mojo. Just a thought.