Valdez Vet to Pilot Petroleum Pickup

Valdez Vet to Pilot Petroleum Pickup

Prince William Sound, AK (within sight of Russia)—The Obama Administration is under considerable scrutiny for choosing the Captain of the Exxon Valdez to head clean up operations in the Gulf.

“I plan to catch some zzzzzs on the voyage over to the Gulf,” said Captain Hazelwood, “but don’t worry, I’m leaving the ship in the capable hands of my first mate and little buddy, Gilligan ‘Run-a-shore’ McBoozywreck.”

Hazelwood went on to say, “We were going to try to raise the Edmund Fitzgerald so we could head down south in style, but we sank our Fitzgerald-retrieval vessel en-route.”

Some are calling the pick a “dubious choice,” but Hazelwood is calling the people who are criticizing him as “an even more dubious choice.”

The captain is responding to critics thusly, “I have been cleaning water fowl with a toothbrush for the last twenty years.  Haven’t I suffered enough?  I just want a second chance to make things right. Oh, and if this doesn’t work out, Obama is going to let me head FEMA—which I believe is an acronym.  Hey, Barak-o, could I be the first Oil Spill Czar? You can’t deny I have the experience.”

When asked what really happened during the Exxon Valdez incident, he admitted, “I had a little Captain in me.”

He then did the nudge-nudge, wink-wink bit.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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