New, Universal Scientific Unit System Unveiled

L. Wolfe

“All this science, I don’t understand; it’s just my job five days a week.”

– Elton John

This week a big breakthrough occurred at the Scientific Homologation, Institution, and Technologies conference in Amsterdam. Attendees have simplified the diverse, often contradicting lexicon of science by integrating all known scientific units into a single measurement system that is more encompassing than the metric system, and far less complicated than the standard system. This new system, known officially as the Integrated Dichotomous Infrastructure or Omniscient Treatise System, depending on which table of scientists you are talking to, has revolutionized the scientific community and has incredible and substantial application to every day life. 

This new universal system of measure both consolidates and integrates via a highly complex matrix mathematical conversion into a single unit of measure, called the What the F#&k, or WTF.  The WTF can now replace any unit of measure, and all units of WTF are universally transmutable. No longer does a person need to worry about converting from one measurement system to another, and no longer does a person need to worry about converting between differing types of units of measure! 

Imagine you’re driving from Las Vegas, NV to the red light district of Los Angeles, CA. (or the Bald Tony Special as we call it at the Discord).  The U.S. uses miles per hour as the standard unit of measure for speed, and Canada uses kilometers per hour.  Before this week, the expeditioustraveler needed to make distracting, complex mental calculations in order to avoid a speeding ticket once across the U.S – Canadian border (did I mention I take the long way?). Under the new system, the conversion is no longer necessary, since both can be expressed in WTF. units. In the new system, driving at a speed of 90 WTF is going to get you a speeding ticket, no matter what country you’re WTF&*^ing in.

Similarly, if our traveler decides to fill the gas tank, how can it be determined if the price of a liquid volume of gasoline is equally as unfair in Canada vs. the U.S.?  Before, there was no easy way to judge, since Canada uses the metric system and dispenses gasoline in liters and the U.S. dispenses gasoline in gallons. Many an unawares American traveler has been taken advantage of in Canada for precisely this reason.  Now, 1 WTF of gasoline in Canada is the same volume as 1 WTF in the U.S., so prices can be directly compared. 

Furthermore, all currency is now expressed in WTF as well. So, a doughnut purchased at Tim Horton’s in Canada costs exactly the same amount as a doughnut purchased at a Dunkin Donuts in the U.S.  In addition, there are no fractional WTFs. All WTFs are in whole units, greatly simplifying everyday activities by eliminating all fractions. Under funded school districts are drooling at the thought of cutting out entire chapters from their mathematics course work. It’s a win win!  

There is only one exception to this whole unit rule.  The petroleum industry was granted approval to sell gasoline in 9/10 WTF increments (0.9).  They argued that their largest customers needed the flexibility to purchase gasoline in these quantities in some circumstances. So you purchase 1 WTF of gasoline, you only actually get 0.9 WTF.  You may be saying to yourself, BWTF?  Since currency is only issued in whole WTF units, very small quantity purchases of gasoline (e.g., for your car) exclusively benefit the petroleum industry.

Note: There is currently a correction committee meeting at the Exxon negotiation facilities located in Maui, HI to come up with a fair an equitable correction to this oversight.  It is feared that if this is not dealt with before Americans stop learning fractions, the problem may never be resolved.

While covering the story in Amsterdam, I caught up with a group of research scientists at the Grasshopper, a coffee shop at 15 Franklinstraat, located across the street from the convention center.  One unnamed scientist claims, when numbers of WTF get extremely large, there are spontaneous, unexpected units of measure that fall out of the these complex calculations.  These units of measure must be real, because there are no other ways to account for them.  They include the “GTFOH.1” and the “NFW.2”. By far the most unstable version is the “AYFKM.3”, which often results in major problems in any transaction or conversion.

The scientist added, “Please don’t tell my wife, I’m still here.”

Despite some theoretical pitfalls, the sheer elegance of this system, and its immediate impact on the global economy, is immeasurable, literally, as such impact would now be measured in WTF units.

As the Daily Discord’s own Dr. Sterling Hogbein noted “See what can happen when a group of scientists get together in a place like Amsterdam to really focus on a problem?”

This reporter couldn’t agree more. Amsterdam truly is where the really important stuff gets hashed out.

1 – Get The F#&@ Outta’ here

2 – No F#&@ing Way

3 – Are You F#&@ing Kidding Me

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