Washington—AG William Barr was rushed to the hospital today after contorting his neck in what his medical providers are calling “a manner not conducive with the range of motion normally associated with the human neck.” This action has displaced a cervical vertebrae, inflaming the surrounding muscles, which has resulted in what historians are calling: “a massive executive pain in the neck.” An unnamed staffer claims the Attorney General suffered the injury when he suddenly looked up to the right then back to the side in an effort to avoid witnessing any wrongdoing on his watch. The anonymous staffer said, “Mr. Barr has mastered the ability to walk into a room, or a meeting and, even though his eyes are open, all of his sensory apparatus are turned off. He’s not recording anything. He’s, like, on automatic pilot. And other than walking into the occasional closed door, he still fits-in well with the rest of Trump’s team. The neck thing probably happened because he suffered a lapse of reality at an inconvenient time.”
Those close to the Attorney General claim he has kept up with his chiropractic appointments, and stretches his neck muscles rigorously before meeting with the president. Mr. Barr has admitted phone calls are easier as he mastered the art of selective hearing during his Mueller Report testimony. He can also now read entire reports without retaining anything but the prepositions, though at times he employs the use of helping verbs. He recalled how this helped Bill Clinton during his own impeachment with gems like “It depends on what the definition of is is.” In recent weeks, however, this has simply not been enough to protect his cervical region from injury. Realizing his plight was growing worse he recently enlisted the aid of both Plastic Man and that Russian contortionist, Zlata.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi commented, “Sure, reaching out for more help from the Russians and more plastic: the Republican twofer.”
As Barr’s neckular flexibility started to fail, this only increased tension between himself and the president. Trump is angry his DOJ refused to announce: “No quid pro quo and no extortion” on the Ukraine phone call at the heart of the impeachment proceedings. This caused a recent executive tirade, “Where is my Roy Cohn? I thought you were my Roy Cohn! You’re not Roy Cohn!! Someone get me my Roy Cohn!!!”
Staffers are denying they carried out Trump’s demand to have his former personal lawyer’s body exhumed and reburied in Pet Sematary.