The GOP: Insight Out

Mick Zano

Have you noticed how our republican friends feel increasingly vindicated lately? No matter what each news cycle brings, it will only confirm their suspicions. Instead of countering all of their “points”, it might be easier to just watch Fox News backwards. Barack Sabbath? Kidding, watching Fox backwards spells !izahgneB.

Their constant barrage of unhinged Told Ya Sos bear further scrutiny as do most of the false assumptions that conservatives built an entire political party on:

GOP Assumption #1: Obamacare will destroy America!

Fact: It’s doing better than expected on all major indicators, here. And yet latest polls show only 8% of Americans understand how the ACA’s price tag is currently under estimated costs, here. Fox News must have eaten its Wheaties this morning. Over-deceiving?

Keeping premiums down will be an ongoing challenge, however, especially when half our politicians and judges are actively trying to derail the thing.  Loco-Motive Breath?

GOP Assumption #2: Obama is the worst president ever!

Fact: The jury isn’t out yet, but Obama will likely rank somewhere around Lord Reagan. I have some criticism myself, but as for the worst you’re thinking of Bush. Kidding! The worst will be the next idiot you elect. That’s a prediction you can bank on. Wait, I’m being told those will collapse (much like my ratings after using that joke again).

GOP Assumption #3: Obama failed our economy! We could be doing much better!

Fact: Since 2008 the U.S. has had the strongest recovery in the West and, per Forbes, Obama surpassed Reagan on every major economic indicator known to man. So maybe he should be ranked higher, eh? I mean, Reagan did sell arms to Iran illegally and now our generals believe Shiite groups are our biggest long term problem, here. Benedict Ronald?

Fun Fact: The folks primarily responsible for those lost wars, those economic collapses, and our environmental woes have all the guns and the bunkers. Maybe there is a method to their ineptness.

GOP Assumption #4: Obama lost the Middle East!

Fact: It’s been a shit-show for a 1,000 plus years and it will likely be a shit-show for another 1,000—much like The GOP. Where are the viable solutions, save bombing and proselytizing? We’ve tried those for a long time, Pokey. How about we just arm Bibles with nuclear warheads? The Gospel of Nuke: Chapter Boom? Blessed are the mutants.

GOP Assumption #5: No bargaining with Iran!

Fact: Could Netanyahu’s warning be accurate? Any course we choose is fraught with risk and danger. It’s simply not insightful to say that bad things might happen and not offer any viable alternatives. The blithering obvious is not insightful. If the international community can ensure that no enriched uranium can be smuggled out and no bombs can be made, this could yet be an historic agreement—as opposed to republican interventions which are historically catastrophic. My solution to Iran’s nuclear program is awesome, here.

That’s all I can fit today. I can’t fit Trickle Down economics or a flat tax—like total particle reversal, those sound pretty cool until implemented. I see little to no insight on the right side of the aisle.

Or:

Meanwhile, of the ten major concerns our country and our species face, republicans are only permitted to discuss these two:

1. Our Staggeringly High Deficit:

The largest long term bill from the collapse of 2008 was not the housing market, it was putting two wars on the credit card while cutting taxes to the rich. Essentially we borrowed 6-trillion from China to create ISIS. Winning!

2. Muslim Terrorism:

Republicans fomented extremism through losing two wars …cutting taxes, well, you get the idea. Oh wait, you don’t. Anyone want to start a war with Iran for the low low price of 8-trillion? Hey, maybe by destabilizing Iran we can create another Shiite radical group to fight ISIS. Operation Christ Hammer?

Sure it will be bloody awful, Pokey, but I’m hoping this Muslim Spring will eventually lead to a Muslim Reformation. You are banking on a Holy War that will eventually lead to a nuclear winter.

It’s shocking what passes for conservative insight these days:

Black people sometimes commit crimes!

White guys are reverse-discriminated against too…albeit occasionally!

Radical Muslims are prone to blow shit up!

Government programs can be overly bureaucratic and costly!

Impressive list. Sure we have problems, but stop hastening them in the name of your profit and your prophet, and try to understand your part in our collective demise. What the hell has Jesus got to do with the Republican Party anyway? Good Black Friday? Like it or not, as resources become scarcer on this planet a society solely driven by consumerism will become increasingly absurd. That doesn’t mean I hate capitalism, it means I like to breathe. I don’t have it out for entrepreneurs, I just don’t have your aversion to facts.

Republicans don’t understand the vast majority of the issues of our time and the two they do acknowledge they either caused or exacerbated.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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