NASA to Melt Down Armstrong Statue to Meet Payroll

NASA to Melt Down Armstrong Statue to Meet Payroll

Washington, DC—The Neil Armstrong statue at Purdue University is being hauled away to be sold as scrap metal in an effort to “keep the lights on” claimed former astronaut and current NASA board member, Sally Ride.

“We tried a lot of other cost cutting measures first, scrapping the shuttle program, scrapping any future projects, and even closing our salad bar,” said Ride. “Hell, we don’t even get glossy pictures back from the Hubble anymore and soon we’re going black and white only.”

NASA’s brochure now reads, “Hey, most of space is black and white anyway, right?”

The Carl Sagan Memorial in Ithaca is also being targeted for some gold trim in the modest obelisk’s surface designs. “We wish there were more Sagan statues,” said Ride. “We’d need a billion of ‘em,” she said before laughing uncontrollably at her own joke.

As for their Rover Program, NASA is also cutting Opportunity loose. “It costs a lot of money to get messages back and forth from Mars every day and, frankly, we’ve used up all of our minutes this month anyway,” said Ride. “Maybe it can find what’s left of its counterpart, Spirit, and finally settle down in a nice crater somewhere. We’re not paying their pensions, though. Screw that shit.”

For the Discord’s really inappropriate rover coverage click here.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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