We Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Paranoia and Secret Societies

Mick Zano

Sorry kids, like it or not we’re heading smack-dab into what an old Chinese proverb describes as “interesting times.”  These special periods of human existence are chock-full of upheavals and heaping piles of uncertainty for the whole dysfunctional family.  What is coming, you ask?  What is this disturbance in the force that we all seem to sense? (Well, most of us seem to sense…)  I’ll say one thing: Never before has so much angst spilled into my therapy sessions.  Recently the public’s fears seem to have collectively multiplied, like a Tribble on Enzyte. 

In my 20 years of social service work, I’ve come face-to-face with an endless parade of paranoid schizophrenics, schizotypal conspiracy theorists, and armies of anti-social fringe monkeys (ASFM).  No longer do these people come to my office covered in aluminum foil (to keep the CIA from recording their thoughts); nor are they riddled with needle marks and imaginary bugs.  They don’t even arrive on copious amounts of Thorazine.  These folks are “normal,” middle-class, baseball-playing, apple-pie-cramming U.S. citizens.  They are scared shitless about this brave new world in which they now find themselves, but not as heavy on the Axis 1 or 2 as one would expect (if you follow).

Some of my clients think dried beans and purified water are the way to go, while others want to run from our congested, smog-filled, crime-ridden cities to the more rustic, drug-filled, welfare-ridden countryside.  Others are seeking sturdy wells, sturdy bunkers, or sturdy women (for their undisclosed locations, of course).

Everyone is trying to build a cocoon for the long winter, which, if Al Gore has anything to say about it, will last around 100,000 years. Some feel 9/11 was an inside job. Sorry, but Mr. Bush isn’t that industrious.  I always had him pegged as more of a fertilizer-filled-pickup-truck kind of guy.  Other Americans, like Citizen Pokey, are babbling endlessly about how the “Shit Goblins must die!” 

The super-volcano under Yellowstone is rumbling, there’s and endless “War on Error,” and don’t forget UFOs, climate change, magnetic pole reversals, the Rapture, Mayan Gods, pollution, hormonal imbalances, sterilization, chem trails, and a host of other nefarious government goodies. Place these in a tall glass, shake, stir, and lightly dust with coconut, and you’ve got yourself some pretty neurotic folks poking about Gotham.  Heck, the Joker OD’d and even Batman is punching random people in the face these days.  Fear-mongering doesn’t seem to be the route to go with a civilization already on the brink. (Thanks a bunch, Karl. Well, it did win you the 2004 election. Oh, yeah, thanks for that, too, asshole!)

People all over the country are fraught with insidious conspiracies. Most of these fears blossomed, like Turd Blossom, over the last eight ghastly years.  And who the hell are all these Illuminati people? And where did they come from? Are there phone booths that you walk into and “they” get to you?  These people are not just on the therapy couch or in the treatment center anymore, but in our coffee shops, shopping malls, and bars.  Like minutemen, they are always ready to spew their deep-seeded rabblerousing rhetoric.  It’s worse than the goddamn Jehovah’s Witnesses.

A client of mine started a conversation with me in rural Pennsylvania, and it was finished a year later in a coffee shop in the high desert of Arizona with someone else.  It always involves the Council on Foreign Relations, the North American Treaty Alliance, the Rothschild family, a bill called the S2433, and the top-secret existence of cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers (CHUDs).  You may know them better as politicians (PUDs).

Where do all of these crazy theories being bandied about come from? You know, like the Rosicrucians, the Theosophical Society, and the Rieki Midgetonians. (I really need to stop hanging out with the Ghetto Shaman.) And, perhaps most importantly, who are the Shit Goblins? And why must they die? How do these esoteric philosophies fit into today’s alternative subcultures? The Theosophical Society, though clearly mired in some occultish kookiness, did champion an “evolution of consciousness” that eventually led to Transpersonal thought and, ultimately, the Discordians. The Shit Goblins Must Die, Dammit!

The Knights Templar have charged the imagination and spawned Dan Brown’s happy little yarns. Even the Vatican itself is steeped in mystery.  My favorite book on the subject is Tom Robbins’ Another Roadside Attraction. Speaking of which, if God is omnipotent, why the hell did he pick Pope Benedict the whatsas? Perhaps if the Catholic God is downgraded to “almost omnipotent,” he could salvage a following.

Fear of the Freemasons seems to have sparked these Illuminatians. Illuminatus, like Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code, is a work of fiction, but Illuminatus was written about 30 years ago and is loosely based on some brief goings-on in eighteenth century Germany. People have a short memory, so I guess in about 30 years from now, the Knights Templar really will be guarding the offspring of Christ; and, at 70 years old, I will be explaining to some coffee shop Brownian that The Da Vinci Code was actually a movie and that the albino monk is not really trying to kill Tom Hanks. I can’t wait.

Scientologists are also common these days. They believe in Xenu and the Galactic Confederacy.  I, too, believe in Xenu, the Warrior Princess, and her little blond friend Gabrielle. In fact, I often have dreams about them—dreams involving leather.  The American west is filled with UFOoligists, who believe the truth is so far out there it would take the combined efforts of Mulder, Scully, and a colonoscope the size of the Pacific Highway to find the answer.  Sorry, rationalists, but the few rationalists left in our society are confined to those Ivory Towers of Academia. And guess what, bitches? We’re coming for you, too…

Freemasonry is alive and well in the 21st century, and there are Masons everywhere—even in my family.  Someone asked me to join once, but to paraphrase the immortal Groucho Marx, I would never join…short version: F, no. This organization is behind some of the unease that has birthed many of today’s cranky conspirators. Freemasonry has existed since the 16th century and has as many as five million members. Apparently, only the highest-level individuals are privy to the organization’s real goals, nefarious or otherwise.  It’s like in Scientology when you get to meet Xenu, Warrior Alien, or something.

Onward toward Illuminati-land.  The Council on Foreign Relations is a “think tank” started by the Rockefeller Foundation. Because so many high-profile business and political leaders are members, it is believed they are pulling the strings not only of the country, but of the entire globe. In the 1990s, William T. Still linked the Illuminati to the Rothschild family.  JP Morgan, the Rockefellers, and the Bushes eventually followed suit, and are all allegedly part of this pack of miscreants trying to bring about the New World Order—a theme mentioned prominently in one of Bush Senior’s speeches. Some posit the Illuminati infiltrated and subsumed the Freemasons, the Skull and Bones Society, and eventually the Daily Discord.  The Illuminati is an amalgamation of several conspiracy theories, not the least of which may involve Shit Goblins.

The Rothschilds, two of the richest dudes in history, ultimately dupe us into three world wars, the last of which will bring about a one-government rule, controlled by the Illuminati themselves. Even our own revered Ken Wilber speaks of global police at some point in the future, so any conspiracy theorist worth his weight in Haldol will insist the New Age movement is part of the population-tenderizing process. Lay down your arms, squat on a mat, meditate, and the world police will take care of you; sounds lovely.

This is why I’ve always said you can’t force anything. If we live long enough people will rise to increasingly higher levels of consciousness. Laws to “help” this process are easily perverted. This is also why unfair gun-control laws should not be tolerated. Similarly, any move toward integral world practice before the world is ready could easily be hijacked by ruthless Rothschild-types.

Recent legislation, namely Bill S2433, could give the United Nations considerably more power. S2433 is a bill that aims to reduce international poverty, but some claim it threatens our freedom and independence as a sovereign nation. The rest of this chapter from conspiracy-land involves the North American Union, which follows in the footsteps of the European Union and places Canada, Mexico, and the U.S. next on the agenda. It is feared this move could profoundly impact our Constitution, or what’s left of it. Well, it would explain why the only one talking about the 300,000+ people joining the party illegally from Mexico each day is Lou F-ing Dobbs.

One flaw I see in this sinister, centuries-old web of deceit is Fox News. While the Foxers are clearly ramping up for a war with Iran. They are not supporting, in any way, shape, or form, the strengthening of the United Nations. In fact, they are trying to tear the bitch down. If Bush is Illuminati, the talking points should be: (1) make Mahmoud Ahmadinejad look like an asshole (not very tough to do), and (2) shift control gradually to the U.N. This is clearly not the case, unless Hannity is messing up his talking points again.

On the other hand, I do question Obama’s actions. He is protecting Bush. Why? Either: (A) he is protecting some Dems mired too deep within Operation Dismantle Constitution; (B) he refuses to give back the One Ring (whoever does?); (C) he is too busy screwing up what’s left of the world; or (D) the Illuminati got to him!

The correct answer is (E) Mick needs to hit a pub now.

If the Illuminati are real and if Obama is outside the loop, he will be taken care of in short order. More than likely, if there is anything to this stuff, he is another stooge in a long line of stooges. I remain unsure of the existence of a master puppeteer, but one thing is for sure, they are all stooges. The illusion of government competence and security has forever been shattered. Even with our collective short-term memory, I do not believe confidence can easily be restored. Our government is a farce, of that I am certain. As for the particulars, who knows? The best argument against the Illuminati is the fact that Pat Robertson believes in it. Case closed. 

There are endless websites and YouTube historians ready to walk you through the centuries of Rothschild maneuverings. What I don’t understand is why someone hasn’t really addressed these claims. The information is specific and documents are shown at every turn. The argument is logical, but most mainstream media don’t address any of it in depth. Oh, wait—that’s right; they don’t address anything in depth. (Thinking = bad; shocking footage = good.)  Oh, and the Illuminati owns the media.

Shouldn’t someone respectable address some of these allegations? Most skeptical literature sums the whole thing up in one dismissive paragraph, which translates roughly as “Take your Haldol as prescribed.” If there’s nothing to it, then refute it.

U.S. News & World Report took a decent crack at it in one of their collector’s editions, Mysteries of History: Secret Societies.  I’ll say this much, if you think nothing interesting is going to happen in the next couple of decades, well, you best get back to American Idol. There’s only one thing science and religion can agree upon: the next hundred years are going to really suck. 

Here in Arizona, an estimated 18% of the population no longer recognizes our government’s authority and are preparing to secede from the union. We are apparently not that unusual. Nine states are quietly asserting their independence. Well, maybe something good will come from Bush. Someone pulled open the curtain, and the American presidency has been revealed. If anyone else is at the helm, behind some other secret curtain, they are Kissingerian sociopaths, to say the least. 

So, what is the answer? Can we right this train without bloodshed? Pokey and Wilber want to transcend and include, but it seems a little late for that now. After all, what from this civilization, besides Krispy Kreme, is really salvageable?

I survived my own existential angst period several years ago. So for those entering it now, don’t fret. It really isn’t worth the worry. Throughout human history, we have always lived in the shadow of the invading Huns, or the stalking tiger, or the Black Death (when Ozzy was with them, not Dio).  

All we have ever had is the zen-schmeckled now. Of course, some believe even the enlightenment movement is a way to enfeeble the masses, but I still feel that with change comes opportunity. After 9/11, we had an opportunity to start the healing process; but instead, we chose the lemon juice. This time around, we can put down our “Sinner Repent!” signs and hurl empty beer bottles at the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse…and the horses they ride in on. 

Preparation is good, I suppose, but I’m banking on a leap of consciousness. Turn that crazed frown upside down. The next several years will challenge even the most spiritually grounded among us to accept what is. This moment in history has been likened to an unprecedented opportunity for the surviving species…you know, cockroaches. One man’s apocalypse is another man’s Ragnarok. Oh, wait; I’m told those are both pretty bad. Well, a leap of consciousness is the best I’ve got, folks. Let me hang onto that, will ya? 

But who’s crazier: the people scared and preparing, or the people still in the dark? You know, like those people waiting for their stock options to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of a decaying civilization.

Good luck with that.

Regardless of any of these wild assertions, the financial institutions and the government of the United States must be drastically overhauled or scraped. I would prefer enough people wake the hell up and take back our institutions peaceably. Civil war is so messy. But if you still have any doubt that we are on a precipice then allow me to be the first to push you into the abyss. It is much more un-American to sit by idly and watch this freak show continue uninterrupted or, worse yet, cheer it on like the Hannitys of the world. 

I want all of you right now to open up a window and yell out as loud as you can, “I’m mad as hell and I missed my Thorazine!”


All hail Xenu, Warrior Princess!

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to wrap my head with aluminum foil before the CIA starts their transmission.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.