Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a story stranger than even his own dark twisted mind could imagine, Zombie fiction author Michael D. Griffiths has admitted to being a zombie. This has not only shocked his four loyal fans, but has sky-rocketed his Eternal Aftermath book sales to the point of clearing his advance for the first time ever…mostly.
I caught up with MDG while he was finishing off other patrons’ abandoned drinks inside the Zane Grey Ballroom in Flagstaff, AZ.
AB: “So Mr. Griffiths, when did you first realize you were a zombie?”
MDG: “I had been drinking a lot and wasn’t quiet feeling myself or like a young Bill Murray meets Spaghetti Western Clint Eastwood, which is what I usually feel like (High Brains Drifter joke omitted for space’s sake). Then I was a little broke after trying to buy my way into Zano’s exclusive semiannual Lesbians only theme party…I didn’t have enough cash to get a sloppy burger, so I ate this hippy’s brain. It was good. I ate the rest of him and what I couldn’t finish I took home for sandwiches…manwiches, really.”
AB: “Has being a zombie been rough on you?”
MDG: “Yeah, it’s hard on my love life. I keep trying to eat my wife, but not in the traditional sense. She has told me that she will be staying with her mother, ‘until I grow out of this.’ She thinks it’s a phase.”
AB: “Has becoming a zombie helped you with your writing?”
MDG: “Yes and no. I can connect and channel my villains better, but last week I ate one of my publishers. So it looks like Raiders of the Lost Entrails, won’t be coming out for a while.”
AB: “I think our readers will be upset if I don’t ask you why you think you’re a zombie. For instance, zombies rarely talk, and their fiction is pretty boring. Maybe you’re just a cannibal.”
MDG: “Would I dress like this if I wasn’t a zombie? I mean come on. Old t-shirts and dirty jeans? I’m a ‘professional’ after all. Also, I haven’t bathed for several weeks now…explain that? I must be a zombie. I also have been getting this strange desire to watch Fox News.”
AB: “Oh Fox News…sorry I doubted you. Thanks for the interview and be sure to rush out and grab Mr. Griffiths’ newest zombie novel, Eternal Aftermath. Hey. Let go of my arm. AHhHhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Note: Mr. Bone has not returned to the Discord headquarters since he emailed us this story and is now currently missing and believed eaten (MBE).