Why I Preferred the GOP When They Were Bombing the Wrong Country

Mick Zano

Yes, this is my foreign policy for Demmies. Whatever the hell the Obama Doctrine is, can we keep it? …or at least rent to own? If there is anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine in 2016, how about we book you a Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’.

Yes, I’m climbing out onto Obama’s rickety foreign policy limb, but why is this limb rickety? (Isn’t that a gin drink?) This limb should be of the Muir Redwood variety, but even some Dems are distancing themselves from Obama—faster than the NRA from their Climb a Clock Tower Tuesday promotional, which was at least better than their all-you-can-skeet buffet.

Do you remember when Romney was running? He said, “Obama is making error after error on every key foreign policy issues… Look, this is a failed presidency.” Yet Romney couldn’t really articulate anything meaningful on the subject, nor could he explain where the Bushies had erred—in either of his presidential runs—not because he was playing some party line, he really didn’t seem to know.

The Fox News Effect
The Fox News Effect, Protecting our politicians from reality since 1996
Protecting our politicians from reality since 1996

I think Mitch McConnell actually said Obama’s foreign policy failed in January of 2008, while he was still unloading his stuff from the presidential U-Haul. That was part of Obama’s first scandal, Fast & Fragile, wherein Michelle never really labeled stuff adequately and just threw shit into boxes.

Someone on the right gets it:

“Foreign policy, the interventionist critics claim, has no place for nuance or realism. You are either for us or against us. No middle ground is acceptable. The Wilsonian ideologues must have democracy worldwide now and damn all obstacles to that utopia. I say sharpen your knives, because the battle once begun will not end easily.”

—Rand Paul

Rand Paul has some foreign policy sense, which disqualifies him from becoming the republican nominee in 2016. As Todd Aiken reminds us, when someone’s got a brain, “The GOP has a way of shutting that whole thing down.” Did you see their last convention? Did you see what just happened in Mississippi? It seems that system is working well. Perhaps too well.

Bat Shit Signal

Sorry, I love that. I gotta have some fun. But it’s no surprise republicans are giving Rand Paul a hard time. The GOP is now only taking applications from those who promise to:

  1. Amplify the disparity of wealth domestically, and:
  2. Rule the rest of the world with an iron fist.

(You know, part Hoover part Hitler.)

Why am I constantly forced to defend competence? Oh yeah, this is opposite world. Today’s average congressman D or R make our 2008 Republican Vice Presidential candidate look insightful. Don’t remember who that was? (Hint: I can see her blouse from here.)

But damn our President for muddling! He’s muddling! Sure the plans Obama is putting into motion are gradually yielding fruit, but he’s muddling. Americans don’t muddle. They act swiftly and decisively, against the wrong country.

Look, Obama learned from Libya (his Iraq), which had no loss of American lives and cost about 12 bucks. But he factored Libya into his algorithm when dealing with Syria. Yes, liberals have algorithms and republicans rely on Roger Ailesgebra or Drudge Nuggets. Okay, I made that up, just like they do.

What almost no one in this country seems to understand, or even mention, is that since sanctions began Syria has handed over an estimated 90% of their WMDs…uh, which had no loss of American lives and cost about 12 bucks.

“Wait, so he accomplishes shit without killing lots of Americans and endangering our economy? That’s un-American.”

—John Q. Republican

P.S. Impeach!

I think I kind of nailed this one via a funny little post, here. Look, if you take out these despots things will continue to unravel. There ha never been any good answers in the Middle East. I don’t want to drone on about this, pardon the bomb, but the worst case scenario seems to involve broader military campaigns—you know, the GOP’s only strategy. (Hint: The GOP always employs the worst strategy. See: list of GOP 21st century successes.)

“Actually try Googling that shit. Nothing comes up.”

—Captain Obvious.


“An era of American primacy has finished, and the many, many smart people among us understand this. These Americans are able to see their nation in historical terms.”

—Patrick L. Smith

This is the reality of our collective future; Bush simply hastened things a bit. I would like to blame it all on him, but I’m not an all-or-none thinker like my friends on the right. The world has been falling apart for a long time, a trend that certainly accelerated post 9/11. Our neocons have taught us, and the world, just how incapable we are at intervening anywhere. What would republicans actually have done between 2008 and 2014? I have never seen a group blather on about nothing for so long since my last existential Meetup group.

Reality Check:

“Obama is battling a knee-jerk sentiment in Washington in which the only kind of international leadership that means anything is the use of military force.”

Fareed Zakaria

“Just because we have the best hammer does not mean that every problem is a nail.”

—Barack Obama

Fareed then quoted a similar sentiment from Eisenhower’s exit and feels this may capture the essence of the Obama Doctrine.

“I’ll tell you what leadership is… It’s persuasion — and conciliation — and education — and patience. It’s long, slow, tough work. That’s the only kind of leadership I know — or believe in — or will practice.”

—Dwight D. Eisenhower

Bingo. I understood Bush’s blunders during each tragic misstep because, like My Pet Goat, he was a pretty easy read. Obama is smart, so it’s much harder to glean all of his longer term strategies. I remain cautiously optimistic that Obama, with what he was given, is moving us toward a new era in the best manner possible. History will likely agree, or:

“I have always been impressed with Obama’s ability to navigate these foreign minefields. Republicans, on the other hand, tend to just kick every rock…with their dicks (Cheney joke omitted by the editor). Thankfully our president can reassess, change in the moment and weigh options in real time…w/ Bill Maher.”

—Mick Zano

So, once again, on behalf of those few of us still residing in a place I like to call reality, thank you, Mr. President!

And as for our republican friends, I’m sure you had other ideas for this time period…um, because you have no idea.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.