New DSM-V Adds Religion As a Funde-Mental Disorder

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The authors of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manuel for psychiatry, which provides summaries and outlines for all mental illnesses, added religion to its Axis-II category. This area was originally dedicated exclusively to sociopaths like Hannibal Lechter, or histrionic-types like CNN’s Nancy Grace.

Doctor Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “Many people already suffer from Axis-II disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and Discord Staffers’ We’re Out Of F-ing Coffee Again Syndrome. But now, thanks to some new disorders, there’s even more shit hitting the psychiatrist’s couch. Now I can make money off the faithful! Ten Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and what is your primary insurance carrier, sir?”

The DSM-V has also added several fundamental sub-diagnoses. These new Mental Illnesses include but are not limited to:

Pentacaustic Personality Disorder (PPD), Rational Denial Syndrome (RDS), Obsessive-confessional Character Pathology (OCCP), Repetitive Flagellation Psychosis (OUCH), Crucifixion Dependence, Borderline Evolutionary Functioning (CDBEF), Reality Deficit Hyper-rigidity Disorder (RDHD), primary Biblical subtype vs. primary Koranic subtype or the yet to be discovered combined variant), Post-Catechistic Catatonia (PCC), Archangel-typal Personality Disorder,  Paranormal Parable Personality Disorder (also known colloquially as Burning Bush Batshit Syndrome), Major Repressive Disorder (MRD),  Genuflexia Nervosa (GN), Orthodoxicosis-permanentalis (this last one is only in the ICD-10 as it was snubbed by the DSM folks. Thankfully it will be covered by your medical providers under the Affordable Care Act).

And, finally, Sunday Morning Hyposomnia (SMH). This condition is easily treatable by skipping church, sleeping in, and then watching cartoons.

“Some of the hard data on these diagnoses are pretty suspect (just a few nuns and a homeless person) but that shouldn’t stop the progress of labeling people for the ease of billing Insurances!”

—Dr. Sterling Hogbein

The religious right adamantly protested this obvious attempt to marginalize the angry and the wrong.

Pastor Prime of the First Church of Galactica said, “This will not stand! We have nothing in common with inflexible individuals that simply repeat formulas. Most data contradicts a belief system we have fostered endlessly through repeating bullshit. Most data contradicts a belief system we have fostered endlessly through repeating bullshit. Most data—” (cut)

As a result of all these new juicy billable disorders, behavioral health providers are expecting a huge influx of new consumers. So the state governments from those square states have immediately responded to the increased need for services by cutting mental health provider’s budgets in half. On the upside, if your in-laws get too uppity at our next holiday meal, you can probably have them committed.

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Alex Bone

Alex Bone

Alex Bone (Michael D. Griffiths) is a man who likes to keep busy, too bad it mostly involves cleaning squirrels. In the past, his writing has been published in numerous periodicals and anthologies sometimes even published by someone else. He was awarded first place in Withersin’s 666 contest, which he was told will later give him the Golden Ticket tour of the third plane of Hell. He is on the staff of The Daily Discord, Cyberwizard Productions, SFReader, and on the Board of Directors for the Society of Advanced Humans that Seek to Live as Viking Ninjas. His series The Chronicles of Jack Primus is available through Living Dead Press. After being bitten by a zombie, his attentions have turned toward the walking dead and he has begun a new Zombie Apocalypse series called the Eternal Aftermath. When he discovered that he was a cloned from Eric the Red’s DNA, he wrote the Science Fiction series Skinjumpers. Later while experimenting with strange fungus, he slipped into a Fantasy world ruled by the mad mage Dalsala Den.