Airport Offers “Happy Ending” Security Screenings

Airport Offers "Happy Ending" Security Screenings

Chicago’s Midway Airport—Lines are not the only things getting longer at our local airports these days.  Although many travelers are frustrated and angered over new security procedures, one Midwestern airport has discovered some folks seem to really be enjoying the invasive new screening process.

“We decided with crisis comes cop-portunity,” said Security Chief, Jay Milken, of Aurora, Ill.  “Get it?  Some people really perk up at the security line and we thought, wow, here’s something we can take advantage of, so to speak.”

After confirming their suspicions with their new x-ray “boner identification” machines, Mr. Milken and his team swung into action.  Within a few days Midway Airport offered a range of extended screenings for cash.  Travelers who chose the “happy ending” security + screening got to choose the gender of their screener and the “extended/bonus” safety check. Security personnel also offered offered x-ray images of some of the other passengers to heighten arousal.  For an extra fee, flyers can also request the pocket pool extravaganza, or, for the more adventurous still, there’s always the extended cavity search.

“Fly the really friendly skies while improving airport security. Oh, and don’t forget to have your bags checked by one of our trained professionals, ladies, or how about one of our mammogram security checks?  Fly safe and fight breast cancer all while boarding your flight. It’s win, win, win!” said Milken.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.