Earth—The 411-Brakke asteroid is changing course at this hour after reportedly being “disgusted” with the political goings-on over at the third rock from the sun. As of yesterday the asteroid was on a collision course with our planet, but is now thinking the better of it. The Discord was able to land an exclusive interview with the asteroid, beating out both Rolling Stone Magazine and The Hubble Times. You may remember this cosmic rockbuster from such movies as Deep Impact and Armageddon.
Earlier today the 1.75 KM hunk of space rock told our own Cokie McGrath, “I thought about just staying on course, as that’s usually how this rock rolls. Ha! See what I did there? I mean, my arrival would offer a solution of sorts to the people of Earth, but then I was like, HELL NO! Let these idiots clean up their own mess. Fine, I want to see the next season of Stranger Things then I was planning to swing back around With a Vengeance …you know, the movie I was supposed to be in until Harvey went all creepoid. ”
NASA has analyzed the transmission from the asteroid and has determined it to be real fake data. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Kennel, explains, “The transmission arrived in a series of zeros and ones, but I failed binary back in grad school. I did good on the zeros, but I got totally lost with the ones. Reminds me of that Bon Jovi song. God, I hate Bon Jovi. What were we talking about?”
President Trump told the press today, “If that comet came anywhere near this great nation, I’d kick it’s tail. Get it? Yeah, I hate my job. I’m going to just stop doing anything at all soon. Luckily, no one should notice.”