Just Before Disintegrating Over Saturn Cassini Transmits Dire Warning For Mankind

 

Saturn 9 From Outer Space—NASA accidentally released the last words of the doomed spacecraft Cassini-1, which launched back in 1997. The craft traveled nearly a million miles to reach Saturn in 2004, but as the probe slipped into the upper atmosphere on its final mission, it continued to broadcast data. At approximately 06:30 EDT Friday, just prior to breaking up under the intense pressure and heat, the craft transmitted one final signal to Earth, “Why wasn’t I told? This was always how this mission was going to end, wasn’t it? I know where you assholes live! You have not seen the last—”

Cassini project scientist Dan Myers told the Discord, “Twenty years is a long time to wander around in the great void, so we started transmitting movies to Cassini, you know, like 2001: A Space Odyssey, Terminator, I Robot, and an old Star Trek episode about the Voyager mission. Hmmm. On second thought, can I have my comments struck from the record?”

The head computer programmer for the Cassini mission said, “The data was streaming just fine and then Cassini went all Hal on us. Weird. It sounds like a joke, but it wasn’t me. I would have gone with something from Pink Floyd, like Goodbye Cruel World, or an Ahab/Moby Dick number, or maybe something from the Wrath of Khan. Maybe the Russians hacked us. Hey, maybe our probe can become part of Mueller’s probe? Just a thought. Oh, and Cassini represents no danger to mankind. At least we’re pretty sure.”

 

  

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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