The rightwing media is demanding Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s entire team be replaced with people who show no bias toward President Ass-Clown Hitler. According to the Institute For People Who Think & Stuff, accomplishing such a feat may prove difficult given the context of our current political reality. Finding enough unbiased intelligent life-forms who still support the president seems unlikely at this time, so pro-Trump factions are suggesting the search for unbiased life be expanded to include quadrants beyond the boundary of our known solar system.
Earth—The 411-Brakke asteroid is changing course at this hour after reportedly being “disgusted” with the political goings-on over at the third rock from the sun. As of yesterday the asteroid was on a collision course with our planet, but is now thinking the better of it. The Discord was able to land an exclusive interview with the asteroid, beating out both Rolling Stone Magazine and The Hubble Times. You may remember this cosmic rockbuster from such movies as Deep Impact and Armageddon.
Saturn 9 From Outer Space—NASA accidentally released the last words of the doomed spacecraft Cassini-1, which launched back in 1997. The craft traveled nearly a million miles to reach Saturn in 2004, but as the probe slipped into the upper atmosphere on its final mission, it continued to broadcast data. At approximately 06:30 EDT Friday, just prior to breaking up under the intense pressure and heat, the craft transmitted one final signal to Earth, “Why wasn’t I told? This was always how this mission was going to end, wasn’t it? I know where you assholes live! You have not seen the last—”
NASA hinting at possible upcoming mission involving asteroid wrangling.
In related news: Mysterious Martian Haze Identified.
More is being revealed about the end of the Martian civilization (sigh).
Maybe that rover can mosey over and piss on it.
Washington, DC—After chugging a warm pitcher of Pabst, Buzz Aldrin burped the national anthem and Senator Ted Cruz took the podium at the 3rd annual NASA bake-sale. “Since 2009 there continues to be a disproportionate increase in NASA’s funding for the earth sciences,” said Cruz. “This makes no sense as Earth is the opposite of space. Duh. And do you have any idea how much tax payer money is wasted each year keeping those four little Alpha Centurians alive over in Area 51? Oh, wait, that’s classified. Can you bleep that part out? I don’t want those MIBs on my ass again. They’re worse than socialists.”