Help! My Seemingly Sane Friend Wants To Teardown Our Republic Based On Limbaugh-Level Logic

How does The GOP respond to another looming rightwing catastrophe? They flip the script, of course. We’re not the constitutional crisis, you and your lib-leaning FBI are the constitutional crisis. And even if Trump does turn out to be the crisis, you libs made Trump by having the audacity to call xenophobes bigots. The FBI is lousy with hipster spooks, lousy with them, I say! If Mueller’s findings end up sidelined, we should be storming the old Bastille, yet my blogvesary is focusing on “Spygate”? …you know, another fictional scandal with half the calories of Pizzagate. You have a super majority, dude, so of course we’ll investigate your feigned outrage. We always explore the rightwing conspiracy theory of the day and we do this while the last of society’s intelligentsia remains neutered. Castration without representation?

Republican investigations never find anything of relevance, but you always get your day in court …or 29. Need I remind you, we never investigated Bush’s war crimes or the motives behind the Iraq War, but we did manage to investigate Benghazi seven times (and counting). That’s almost two for everyone who died at that embassy. The not-so Magnificent Seven? Sorry, but the insightful few (aka, the never released western sequel?) are forever forced to blog about real shit to the backdrop of Trump’s republic-ending ravings. That’s what’s happening, whether you understand it or not. At this point you don’t have to, just be sure to get out of the way.

So let me get this straight, during a Republican super-majority, amidst the onset of rampant authoritarianism, my blogvesary created a timeline showing people in the intelligence community doing their jobs. He then uses this important timeline as an excuse to permanently damaging our republic. Really? (Here’s Pokey’s counter-narrative.) Watching intelligence agencies protect U.S. interests and the integrity of our elections is apparently beyond the pail in 2018.

Oh, speaking of Benghazi, even the head Republican witch-hunter himself, Trey Dowdy, sees nothing improper in the FBI’s actions. But no conspiracy theory is too crazy for the Trumpsters. The crux of your counter-narrative hinges on intelligence agents who are almost entirely registered Republicans, by the way—coordinating their efforts to throw the election for the Dems—who, if memory serves, lost the election despite a 90% chance of winning it. Yeah, Trump has a 10% chance so let’s spy on his team just because the blowback will be YUGE!! Oh, and before you storm the Bastille, Pokey, that was an analogy. The actual Bastille was in Paris. Just trying to help you out.

What if Obama blocked a merger between two mega-companies because one of them owned the conservative Weekly Standard? What if he attempted to destroy 21st Century Fox because they owned Fox News? Trump is doing this right now in reverse. He’s blocking mergers with political implications and he’s now openly hostile to Amazon because Jeff Bezos owns the ever Trump-critical Washington Post.

What if Obama attacked the media and refused to answer their questions? What if he couldn’t form complete thoughts, policies, or sentences? What if Obama’s never separated himself from his businesses so his entire foreign policy hinged on who paid him what? Does Quasimodo ring any bells? How about Qatar? (Sorry, I couldn’t work in a Qatar-bell joke).

There’s a double standard here, or, in this case, a weekly double standard. What if Obama went against Russia, China and the EU to undermine an agreement to halt a rogue country’s denuclearization? Even if ass-clown pulls a miracle in North Korea, which is nil, he already botched the Iran thing, irreparably so:

News Flash: As for Tehran and Pyongyang, Trump’s foreign policy will go 0 for 2.

I’m not rooting against our president, but I suffer from something called Functional Frontal Lobe Syndrome (FFLS). Have you ever made a similar political prediction that had proven right, Pokey? I’ve asked you to use our archives and find some shred of rightwing political prognostical prowess. Good luck with that. Fine, since that’s impossible just find an instance where you used alliteration as well as in my last sentence. Baby steps.

So where does all this conservative confidence come from? I’m going to listen to some rightwing AM radio rant and then teardown the republic, because that ilk has such a great track record? Does each fake scandal come with over a dozen confidence-building supplements? I try to make one prediction every article or so and I think I’ve been nailing this shit. There’s a reason you have such a terrible record, and it has nothing to do with my backup bass playing abilities. Oh, and The Armpit Salesman found another drummer. Sorry, dude.

Again, your entire party suffers from a personality disorder, complete with an array of cognitive distortions not seen since Don Quixote met Norman Bates. These are engrained personality traits difficult to correct. You work in the field, have you ever worked with someone with a borderline personality disorder, or in the same cluster: narcissism, anti-social, histrionics (or Cluster F, for those DSM V fans)? Your party suffers from this affliction, Bigly! What happens when such fundamental inadequacies play out on the world stage?

“It aint that pretty at all.”

—Warren Zevon

Despite any and all evidence, Republicans have convinced themselves they’re right about everything and the rest of the world is wrong. Sound familiar? Rampant braindead populism (RBP). Despite electing the two most incurious and incompetent presidents in a century, consecutively, you and your ilk remain resolute in your collective wrongness. The conservative brand will forever ignore the obvious in favor of the trivial. It’s by design, of course. It’s not actually your assessments of anything as no one is smart enough to be wrong all the time. Why doesn’t it bother you that your political assessments have fallen flat since the Discord’s inception? The operation was a success, the Republican brain is dead. Geesh.

When my blogvesary and I started debating, he was slightly right and I was slightly left and, as the Bunkers would say, those were the days.


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