Pardon My Glitch? Constitutional Scholars Claim Trump Only Legally Pardoned Jack Johnson’s Johnson

Tweet Tower—An embarrassing grammatical snafu involving the coolest of Trump’s recent executive orders, impacts the pardoning of boxing great Jack Johnson. Due to an unfortunate typo, only Jack Johnson’s Johnson was legally pardoned last week. Under the heading ‘full name’, Trump’s pardon reads: John Arthur “Jack” Johnson Johnson, the first African-American heavyweight boxing champion. There’s an extra Johnson, which in legal terms implies the full pardon of only the boxer’s penis.

Senator  Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said, “I was really psyched about this whole Johnson pardon thing and then we find out he only pardoned his thing? Really?! What next? Wait …please retract that.”

President Trump downplayed the incident today, “Look, no one can deny there are always plenty of extra Johnsons in and around my administration. Only the best Johnsons! The best!! Besides, this guy originally got into trouble for crossing a woman’s state line for ‘immoral purposes.’ So the whole controversy involved his Johnson, if you think about it. I do. More than I probably should.”

Johnson was originally arrested for violating the Mann Act, which ironically involves the transportation of a woman across her state lines. In a new revelation, even the constitution itself may have been illegally altered by this administration. Under Article II, Section 2 of the United States Constitution the president has the “power to grant reprieves and pardons for offenses against the United States, except in cases of (illegible). The last word of the original constitution was altered. Until recently that sentence ended with the word ‘impeachment’, but now it just shows a poop emoticon, which the Trump administration officially blames on “book lice”.

 

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