Abbottabad, PK—More and more information is surfacing about the last days of Osama Bin Laden’s life. His second wife, who wished to remain faceless, said, “Pot was finally starting to mellow him out. He talked less about terror plots and more about the lack of any nearby convenience stores in Abbottabad. ‘Convenience stores are supposed to be convenient,’ he would say. Then he would laugh at jokes like that for hours.”
As he began smoking absurd amounts of marijuana, he all but stopped his Facebook Meetup terror groups. According to many, he was shifting his future goals away from Jihad toward opening a hemp stand somewhere.
“He didn’t want to kill anymore,” said another wife. “In fact, he was starting to quote John Lennon songs a lot and wanted to run off to meet that Beatles Yogi guy.”
“He started running around with a new group of friends,” said still another wife. “The beatings all but stopped and no more ‘human shield’ duty on weekends. It was nice. He still enforced Sharia Law, but only when he managed to stop giggling.”
U.S. Navy Seals are supporting these claims. They confirm large amounts of marijuana were growing in Bin Laden’s compound and, during Operation Geronimo, he was found half baked and watching a Baywatch Marathon.