Tweet Tower—President Trump is standing by his decision to continue to talk to world leaders unsupervised. The consequences of a U.S. vacuum in northern Syria came swiftly after a conversation with President Erdogan led to a Turkish incursion into Syria the very next tweet #ToKillaMockingKurd. Even republican politicians seem uncharacteristically critical of the president for these developments, not the least of which involves the potential escape of thousands of ISIS fighters from regional prisons. The president urged his critics today to “go fuck themselves,” before adding: “ISIS has given me good dirt on Hunter and Sleepy Joe, and they promised me a Caliphate Trump Tower! Since Rudy can’t handle these things anymore I’ve hired Springfield’s best lawyer, Lionel Hutz!”
Trump went on to say, “ISIS told me the Bidens are breaking Sharia Law, right now, and the penalty is death!! Al-Qaeda, if you’re listening, there’s plenty of dirt in your shithole countries so why not find more like our new BFFs ISIS? Death to the Bidens! What’s that other thing those towel heads are always yelling, Allahuh Fubar?”
Senator Lindsey Graham is officially getting his panties in a bunch over the consequences of Trump’s actions, and he continues to be the most vocal critic of the entire Syrian debacle. In an exclusive fictional interview, Senator Graham told the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, “I sold my soul for this crap?”
In related news, Post Trump’s Personal Attack Senator Graham finds his testicles “right in the bureau drawer where John McCain left them.”
In other related news, White House Attorney, Lionel Hutz, indicted on Lionel laundering and Insider Traitoring charges.