Restore Habeas Corpus: Then Explain It to Me

Mick Zano

Why is the recent Habeas Corpus Supreme Court decision so important? The writ of Habeas Corpus is the cornerstone of the Bill of Rights. Habeas Corpus is the right of any individual unlawfully placed in detention to receive legal council, a fair hearing, or Circus Peanuts. (Oh, that stale marshmellowy goodness.)

"Habeas Corpus secures every man here, alien or citizen, against everything which is not law, whatever shape it may assume."

— Thomas Jefferson (that left-wing, terrorist lover).

One can assume that Jefferson meant even if the ‘shape’ comes in the form of the aforementioned Circus Peanut.

If your government can pick you up, detain you indefinitely without trial or charges, the Bill of Rights and the Constitution are moot! In fact, if someone tries to permanently suspend Habeas Corpus, our forefather encouraged us to run around in circles, flailing our arms. While this advice has raised my metabolism considerably—allowing me to indulge on the occasional Circus Peanut—it has done nothing to restore our rights. Frankly, we’ve dressed as Indians and held wild tea parties for much less offenses. Today, just ‘offending’ the government could book someone a one way ticket on the Gitmo express.

You might be saying, “But they would never do that!”

Did you ever take a civics class, theoretical question person? Do you huff paint thinner, per chance?

With Harris v. Nelson (1969) the Supreme Court determined the “writ of habeas corpus is the fundamental instrument for safeguarding individual freedom against arbitrary and lawless state action.” If recent government proceedings have not been arbitrary, I don’t know what is. The ‘great writ’ has been undone by the ‘great twit.’ The fact that John McCain is complaining about the restoration of Habeas says a lot about this presumptive president and his priorities. Next he’ll be telling us he doesn’t use the Internets.

Our forefathers actually borrowed this ‘great writ’ from the Magna Carta of 1215. Such rights aren’t pre-9/11 thinking, they’re more accurately pre-1215 thinking. Do you know what happened in 1214? I don’t, but I’m reasonably sure it was before the Bushes or the Clintons held office (by a month or two). 1214, people! Even longer than Bush rolled back those EPA regulations (by a month or two).

You might be saying, “Why do enemy combatants need rights?”

Look, paint-thinner boy, your government can declare anyone an enemy combatant and is therefore no longer burdening itself with providing any pesky evidence or proof. The rule of law has not only broken down, but it has been stripped to the block and the parts sold on fucking E-bay! Can I make this any clearer? That is why this decision to restore it is so important.

It is not good enough to say, “well, our president would never abuse such powers”; the point is, no one should ever wield such power. That’s what checks and balances mean. That is why Gandalf, Galadriel, or Mr. Fabulous would not accept Sauron’s ring of power. There was a Mr. Fabulous in Middle-Earth, wasn’t there?

I’ll never forget watching C-span in my underwear with a bucket of vodka (the Monday night special) as some senator asked Alberto Gonzales, “Aren’t you concerned that these expanded powers in the wrong hands might be abused?”

He responded, “Yeah. Like I hope the next dude is, like, righteous,” or something equally inane.

You might be saying, “Well, all I can say is, it hasn’t affected my life.”

Are you serious, theoretical question person? Put down that magic marker, this instant.

Let me use an extreme example: it’s a little late when you’re on the train to Auschwitz to start tapping the SS officer on the shoulder. I’m talking to you Sean Hannity. Although, I do approve of your recent Hannity-Youth Movement. I think it’s patriotic and well-grounded in rationality. In fact, anyone would be an ‘enemy of the state’ not to join this wholesome brand of governmental programming.

To heck with waterboarding; only three countries have ever officially condoned stress positions during interrogations: the U.S., Turkey, and Nazi Germany…or—as the pharmaceutical companies call them—the Axis of Advil. I have been following Andrew Sullivan’s blog, and, like him, I believe “Sane and civilized societies do not give permission for such things. And they do not make excuses for them. And when they discover they have been done, they investigate and prosecute those who broke the law.”

Remember in the movie Cloverfield, when the monster ripped the head clear off the Statue of Liberty? I believe that was a metaphor. Clover = Bush and field = failed; erog, Bush failed. Crimson and clover, over and over. OK, it’s getting late and the hallucinations are starting again. Circus Peanuts, Circus Peanuts. Need more Circus Peanuts.

They’re coming for me again. It’s just that I’ve been in this same stress position for so long, and they don’t let me sleep anymore…

Opinions such as these have led to my being whisked away in the night, denied a lawyer, and formally charged. They even cut off my access to medical marijuana. I have pre-glaucoma in my left eye, for god’s sake! Worst of all, they keep denying my request to be waterboarded with beer. The monsters!

Come hell or high lager, glug-glug, I’m going to write my next compelling article, It’s Hard to Enjoy the Chicken Pilaf Chained Naked to the Wall, glug-glug. Oh, god, here comes the bitch with the leash. Well, this part isn’t so bad. Could someone please call the ACLU? Better wait until the bitch with the leash is finished, then call.

Signed,

Sleepless in Syria

(I think…well, I know I’m sleepless, but the Syria part is an educated guess)

Below is a Discord original recipe. Not like one of those Cindy McCain original recipes—the real thing. For god sakes, man, don’t let them get their hands on this!

The Circus Peanut:

  1. One shot of Banana-Red Maddog
  2. Top off with a whisper of Southern Comfort
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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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