Bloomberg Responds to Operation: Glazed Donut Greasewich
New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg is calling Dunkin’ Donuts’ decision to release their glazed donut egg sandwich as a clear escalation in his War on Sweeteners. Bloomberg is willing to overlook this rogue, doe-fryer’s flagrant misspelling of both Dunking and Doughnuts, but he is drawing the line over their latest cholesterolic folly, the donut sandwich.
“This is an unholy alliance that could bring greasy foods and sugary products together like never before,” said Bloomberg. “They’re even adding bacon to their latest code-blue menu option. Our children are in danger, our families are in danger, and this recklessness even threatens our entire healthcare system as a whole!”
In response to this crisis, Mayor Bloomberg intends to divert a significant amount of NYPD presence to all of the local donut shops, which he feels, “Won’t cost the city too much as they are usually there anyway.”
Anyone believed to be purchasing more than one egg/bacon/donut sandwich thingie (EBDST) with the intent on eating them will be shot dead, which Mayor Bloomberg considers a “mercy killing”.
“Look, they’d die soon anyway,” said Bloomberg, “and this way is much easier on the healthcare costs.”
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