Dear Fox News

The Crank

Dear Fox News

I be dribnk since we looz Ohio, hav head prop up on cat, so this be best I typ so deal.

I have ask. Why you lie to me. Mikko say “fox lie”, Family say “fox lie’. Crank say “no, tell trooth.” Crank rong. You lie. You lie like bad toup on Engle guy. Babe with legs at glas tabl say, “hope just around corner.” Legs say “Mitt make all bettr” “Mitt make gas flow, Mitt make food cheap, Babe with big zooms say Mitt make more jobs.” I think, OK, this good, more jobs = more peepl buy my cabinets, Crank pay bills from last 4 years.

Crank get hopes up, bigtime, think maybe get lucky when give wife mony J.Wife no have to pay for me to go work. Fox sed we win big!. Crank hear “cant loose”. Crank hear big head like ET bald guy Rove say,” I write on whiteboard, I know shit- we win!” Crank hear angry femm fat guy Morris say “we win big- 5 pointz!” Crank hear shiney teeth like chicklets guy Eric on The Five say Obama finished. Crank think maybe people get smartr, ignore guys with news. Maybe business guy is best to do business things, things O not do, like rite budget. Not borrow shit not have. Mak sense to Crank. Fuk.

Hannity say polls rong. Oreilly say polls rong. Legs and zooms all say polls rong. Eric sed polls rong. Little Bush lady say polls rong. I think OK polls rong, we win!

Hay Fox….Polls fukkin rite. you all rong. Ask short Austrlyun guy boss why da fuk they all still have job? I ask? Fuk.

Not tru, none of it. No one get smart, no one want things rite. Peepl all want feel good President. Want ‘kool’ guy, not good guy. Want guy to tell bullshit, no one want trooth. Peepl hear lies from news, they buy the whole thing. “I give you shit, you vote me!” Free fones. Fuk. Mitt no give nuthin, jus trooth, no one make calls on trooth. Stupid Mitt. He rich Fuk, he maybe win if giv Ipads? Maybe he win if giv free rubbers, seems all tey want id free fuking, pay for their fuk pillz. Pay fer dis, pay fer dat. With wut? Granchilds maoney. Fuk.

You play with my head Fox, and I pissd. We no win. We lose like drubnk Indian at casino. We lose like one leggd man in marathon. We lose likggggggggggggg… oOpps just took nap. Cat purring like motorboat in head. Put me to sleep.

I dribnk 3 days. 3 fukn days! Blud shugr in stratosfeer. Cat lik twinkie wrappers. Fuk. Like bad dreem. No help, only kiddng. Ha ha ha, stooppid Crank. Dey say Im fat old wite man. Dey say less fat old wite man repullicns. Bettr be young, bettr be beige-brown-blak-libruls. One problem, fat ol wite men rote constushun. Fat old wite men start country. Dems bettr for Minoritys? Repub free slaves, Repub Romneys Dad walkd with MLK… Dems? Dems rite Jim Crow laws. Never unnerstud that.

Oh well, I gess the fact we see shit coming not count. So, U newbees U run things now, we go golf- we go fish-you pay? When shit hit fan, YOU eat. Figgr it out 4 self..stupid fukz…

No mor Rum, no mor coke. Cat like rum. I Go to bed. Fuk-we looz Wife say get life, move on. I say Cant mov-drunk. Not funy she say. Fuk.

Cat jus pee on keybord



We have attempted an intervention, but the situation is complicated because the Crank is so heavily armed. We will keep you posted. Oh, and our editors gave up after the first sentence, but it’s funny, which is about as close to journalistic integrity as we get on this rag. We have forwarded this to the sociology department at Penn State for analysis.

But hey, at least he capitalized Austrlyun. It’s the little things.


Pierce X. Winslow

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