Collapsing Shack, AZ—All across Arizona the need for traditional 28 day Recovery Programs has never been greater. In most states an individual must be addicted to certain types of drugs to qualify for treatment. Things like alcohol, crystal meth, pain pills, and cocaine addictions will get you in, but other substances like tobacco and caffeine will not. Some other problematic addictions, like gambling and sex addiction, will not get you help either. This has unfortunately kept people like Mick Zano on the streets.
Arizona, in an unprecedented move, has added addictions to social sites as a reason for qualifying for its 28 day programs.
Arizona Governor, Janet Brewer, is quoted as saying, “Social Sites such as Twitter, Face Book, and My Space have become the drug of choice for our next generation. This drug is far more dangerous than Cocaine ever was. A person hooked on traditional drugs can eventually run out of money. Or, at least they eventually die and stop burdening society. However, until the plug is pulled on this web menace, people will continue to become obese zombies, consuming more potato chips than at a Woodstock potato chip stand.”
An area man, in no way affiliated with The Onion, had this to say, “Drug users at least attempt to hide their problems, but now you can’t walk ten feet without seeing kids texting. What are they even talking about? I tried to talk to my son but he’s as boring as a pile of socks. The pale freak hasn’t gone outside for over six months. The most interesting thing that happened to him this year involves our house cat and his computer chair. Poor thing.”
The youth entering these new 28 day programs are stripped of all technological devices. Laptops and cell phones are forbidden. Within hours, the victims of this foul addiction complain of headaches, isolationism, and strange compulsions to scribble notes and hand them to other people.
Erika Devins has been working with substance abusers for over ten beers. “It used to be that we’d have to search for small packets of meth, and the like, after lights out. Now, we have to keep our eyes peeled for the glow of cell phones hidden under blankets or clients begging to check their Face Book on a stranger’s lap top during outings. Last weekend, I had to stop a girl from offering sexual favors just for a chance to post an update on her Twitter account.”
Chuck Buster, a supervisor at the 28 program in Prescott, AZ said, “In recent years, most of our data collection has been transferred to computer use, but when these Social Site Junkies (SSJs) see my staff typing away, it’s like interviewing a coke addict at crack central. They don’t even look at you. They just stare at your computer screen as their eyes glaze over. SSJs pose other problems as well. We thought alcohol was bad, but cell phones and laptops are everywhere. These poor victims are exposed to their addictions anytime they go into public, or they walk into any business or residence!”
Erin Dakowski, the wife of a SSJ, has problems of her own.
“First my husband loses his job, because he couldn’t stop playing World of Warcraft at work. Now he won’t job hunt because of that lame-o Farmville on Face Book. I’ve already had to store my computer at my sister’s house, yet every time I set it down, Harold snatches up my Blackberry and starts planting vegetables or some shit.”
Many people wonder if there is hope for these social-site addicts. Professor Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Daycare Center, had this to say, “These problems may be just the tip of the iceberg. On a good note, some traditional drug abuse might become a thing of the past. Who has time to wait two hours on a street corner to score some horse? Think of all the scrolling tweets you could be typing in that time.”
Sorry, folks, I got a go. Zano gets me a pint of ale for every fifty Twitter fans I score for the Discord.”